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Thursday Cannon Fodder: bluster

Brentford v Liverpool - Premier League - Gtech Community Stadium Photo by John Walton/PA Images via Getty Images

Since the final whistle in the Newcastle match, there has been a (moronic) subset of the football public clutching their pearls about Mikel Arteta being upset on the sidelines over calls going against his club. They’re bent out of shape that the Arsenal players would have the temerity to react to the anti-football shithousery on prominent display.

Apparently, it’s some horrible, moral failing on Arsenal’s part that they showed emotion and were upset by Newcastle cheating their way to a point. These self-styled arbiters of football morality are strangely silent, however, about Eddie Howe sending his team out to do just about everything other than actually play football at the Emirates.

Nary a peep about egregious time-wasting. Nothing about repeatedly faking injuries. No care for cynical, rotational fouling. Blind to referee-surrounding, waving imaginary cards.

The fault lies with Arsenal for being affected by the nonsense. Yes, that’s where we should heap the blame. Newcastle’s antics are something to be praised. It was a clever plan. They were smart to not play football, because had they done so, they would have gotten played off the pitch. But why would we want that? Nobody wants to see football matches decided by two teams actually playing football.

You see, Arsenal absolutely cannot win the title without being emotionless football robots. As you know, all the best managers and players, champions of years past, had no feelings. Not once has Pep Guardiola protested a call. Jurgen Klopp has never remonstrated on the sidelines. Roy Keane was famously level-headed on the pitch.

The only reason to engage with those buffoons in the football public is to tear them to shreds for consistently being the dumbest ones in the room. They’re incapable of generating original thoughts. The only thinking they do is deciding which tired, cliched narrative to dredge up, and even then, they often pick the wrong one.

I’m legitimately concerned for some of them. The level of fixation and obsession they have for Arsenal is unhealthy. The next time Mikel Arteta sets foot outside his technical area, they might have a stroke if they aren’t careful.

I’d learn more listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher. ChatGPT writes better columns. But it’s fun to have a go at the pundit class from time to time. It helps me work on my creativity to come up with new ways to excoriate them. Sharpens my incisive quill, if you will.