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2022-23 Premier League Season: bold predictions

If it’s not at least a habanero-level take on the Scoville scale, I don’t want it.

Food In Poland Photo by Jakub Porzycki/NurPhoto via Getty Images

The Premier League season is nearly upon us. For once, Arsenal are not starting top of the league because “AFC Bournemouth” comes before “Arsenal” in alphabetical order. I, for one, believe this is a total crock and will be covering this season under protest. Nobody says the “AFC” part. They’re just doing it to mess with Gooners. Jerks.

If you can’t tell, I’m feeling spicy. Which works well because this is the bold predictions piece. This is the place for us (and for you in the comments) to drop, without fear of repercussions for your foolishness. They can be Arsenal-related takes or general Premier League ones. You all have immunity. Go wild.

Our more rational and reasonable takes, as well as who we think will win the league, finish top 4, get relegated, etc. comes out tomorrow.


Aaron

Before I get started spittin’ hot flame, I’d like to point out that one of my bold predictions last season was that Everton would be relegated. I didn’t miss that one by much. Man, y’all would not have heard the end of it if I nailed that one.

  • Arsenal will have three players score 15+ goals this season. Liverpool last season (Salah, Mane, Jota) are the only Premier League club to manage that feat in at least five years. Gabriel Jesus, Bukayo Saka, and Gabriel Martinelli are going to do it this year. Emile Smith Rowe will get back to double-digits, too.
  • Gabriel Jesus will reach the 25-goal mark. His career best are the 14 goals he tallied in the 2019-20 season. The Premier League hasn’t seen a 25+ goal scorer since 2017-18 when both Mo Salah and Harry Kane eclipsed 30 goals.
  • Aaron Ramsdale leads the Premier League in clean sheets kept. The Gunners’ smiling shot-stopper managed 12 last season, good for 5th-most but 8 off the pace set by Alisson and Ederson. Until Arsenal (and he) fell off down the stretch, he was up there amongst the league-leaders.
  • Erling Halaand will not lead Manchester City in goals scored. Nor will Darwin Nunez lead Liverpool in that category. Admittedly, the Liverpool prediction isn’t quite as bold because Mo Salah exists, but still. Both strikers were big-money additions this summer, and I think both will not reach the lofty heights that some have been projecting for them.
  • Chelsea will miss out on Europe. Thomas Tuchel will be sacked. I just don’t like the vibes coming from across London right now.
  • Wayne Rooney will end the season as the Everton manager. Whether they stay up is a different question, but I think Frank Lampard is getting sacked. He’s not a good manager.

Aidan

  • Is Tactics’ Tommy Tuchel getting sacked even a bold prediction? My guy was going nuts in a pre-season press conference. He’s gonna be gone, Chelsea are finishing 6th
  • West Ham are going to finish ahead of Manchester United, completing the David Moyes Revenge Tour.
  • Brendan Rodgers will be sacked in October, with Leicester in the bottom half of the Premier League.
  • Gabriel Jesus is going to win the Golden Boot
  • Arsenal will sell Kieran Tierney at the end of the season

Nathan

  • After a ton of matches last season, Liverpool stumble this season and finish fourth.
  • Gabriel Jesus is the first Arsenal player to put up 20 goals and 10 assists since Alexis Sanchez during the 2016-17 season. (Lacazette came within one during 2018-19 with 19 goals and 11 assists)
  • Arsenal wins the Europa League AND the FA Cup.
  • Nottingham Forest enjoys a great promotion season finishing 14th and well out of the danger zone.
  • Newcastle keeps adding sensible additions plus a marquee name to end the season in seventh, setting up a worry for the ‘Big 6’ the following year.
  • Martin Ødegaard leads the Premier League in assists and is in the top three for POTY.

Michael

  • Arsenal will make a substantial incoming transfer either on deadline day of this window or in January
  • Southampton, Leicester City, Everton, and Bournemouth battle it out for relegation
  • Brendan Rodgers gets the first sacking of the year
  • Antonio Conte blames ownership for newcomers not performing
  • ESR, Saka, Martinelli, Jesus, Eddie combine for 60+ goals across all comps
  • Arsenal receive bids for Gabriel Magalhaes during January window
  • Xhaka goes the league season without a red card
  • Arsenal qualify for Champions League via top 4 and Europa League title

Tony

  • At least one Arsenal player will be featured in the PFA Premier League Team of the Season. The last one? Pierre Emerick Aubameyang in 2019/20.
  • The Gunners attack will finally click as they score more than 75 goals in the PL for the first time in over five seasons, up from 61 last season.
  • Thanks to a deep and talented rotation, Arsenal’s defense will be among the top three defenses in the league.
  • The Gunners will win at least one piece of silverware, two if they can manage to keep the core of their team healthy.
  • I’ll echo what everyone else has said - Chelsea will struggle in their first post-Abramovich season, Tuchel will get fired, and the Blues will finish outside of the top 4.
  • Cristiano Ronaldo will fail to move to a CL team, derailing Ten Hag’s first season with United with his vocal discontent.
  • This one pains me to say, but...Spurs will win a trophy. Either the FA Cup or the EFL. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

What about y’all? Give us those bold predictions. The spicier, the better. This is a judgment-free zone. Except if you predict good things for Tottenham. Then we will all judge you. Harshly.