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Tuesday Cannon Fodder: crutches, coachspeak, and rants

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Bill Belichick: stats are for losers.

San Francisco 49ers v New England Patriots Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

A particular part of Jocelyn’s post on Mohamed Elneny’s resurgence at Arsenal this season under Mikel Arteta got me thinking, the bit where she mentions how Mikel Arteta likes to talk about confidence and belief and how both of those help explain Elneny’s renaissance. So my brain, as it is wont to do for Cannon Fodder, started wandering. Coaches say a lot of things in the media. Some of those things are intelligent, some are dumb, some are unintentionally funny. You get the point.

What are some of the best “coachisms” / examples of coachspeak that jump to mind for you?

Often, coaches talk about “soft factors” that cannot be measured or quantified with data. Things like heart, effort, fight, etc, and that’s where a lot of the good stuff, the quotes that get mocked or turn into memes comes from. To be fair to coaches, why would they or should they talk in particulars with data, or even just gametape analysis. Could you imagine a coach sitting down to a press conference and talking about xG or advanced possession metrics?

“Coachspeak” is a bit different. It’s the coded language that managers often use to thinly cloak what they really mean. Think “we’re aware of it and are investigating” as a stand-in for “yeah, we’re pissed” when a player does something stupid that gets caught on camera. It can also refer to crutch or fallback phrases that coaches use to sound like they are saying something when they’re really not saying much at all.

And then you’ve got the famous coach rants, when they lose it and just go off in the press conference / interview. Those are a breed of their own, but always good for a laugh.

And because today might be a stressful one for a number of you, please do share just your favorite clips or quotes from coaches — either serious or not so serious. One that immediately jumps to mind is an Arsene Wenger classic “I didn’t see it.” I’ve also attached Jim Mora’s “Playoffs?!” and Dennis Green’s “They are who we thought they were” for your enjoyment.

Also, for our American readers, please, go vote.