Toni Kroos takes swipe at Aubameyang, promptly misses

If you’re anything like us, you’ve been lamenting the wholly unnecessary international break. Between the growing COVID-19 cases and the largely dull matches, it has been an altogether forgettable week. Things have been so un-noteworthy that the most intriguing match-up of the break has been between two unlikely rivals - Real Madrid’s Toni Kroos and Arsenal’s Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

During a recent interview, Toni Kroos, who looks like an evil Ken Doll come to life, decided to take a swipe at Aubameyang, champion of all things fun and someone who is as likable as he is talented. What prompted Kroos to single out the striker is anyone’s guess, but he somehow found it necessary to publicly take umbrage with Aubameyang’s penchant for celebrating goals with an occasional super hero mask, calling it “nonsense” and accusing the striker of not being “a good role model.”

I am typically not one for stereotypes, but it seems like Kroos is really trying to live up to the cliche of the mirthless, robotic German (thank goodness for the unhinged madness of Jurgen Klopp). I mean, just imagine being so humorless that you see a player who doesn't even play in the same league as you having a harmless good time and you feel offended. Kroos strikes me as the type of guy to narc on a kid for selling lemonade without a proper permit. If they ever feel the need to recast the live-action Grinch with someone who doesn't need any makeup to look ugly and miserable, I know just the guy.

But Auba - pure, lovable Auba - was not about to let this aggression stand, clapping back at the rejected third-rate Bond villain with the same swiftness he dispatches a counterattack with, taking the Real Madrid midfielder to task by reminding him of the positive impact his celebrations have not just on his kids, but on other kids as well.

Toni Kroos, of course, had to remind Auba that he does in fact have three kids, after which Auba went in for the knockout punch:

While this whole ordeal seems oddly petty and from way out in left field, let us not forget one singular truth - this is not Kroos’ first time making off-color criticisms and showing his ass. When proudly Turkish-born Mesut Ozil cut ties with the German national team, citing many grievances including being the victim of racism, it was the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Kroos who believed that Ozil’s racism claims were “nonsense.” Kroos then preceded to call out German teammate Leroy Sane for his “attitude.” And now he takes offense with Auba’s mask antics while saying nothing of fellow German Marco Reus taking part in the celebrations with Auba. There’s a pattern here, but I just can’t quite put my finger on it...

Kroos started a fight he had already lost when he opened his mouth. It would have cost him approximately zero dollars to mind his business, but now he’s footing the bill for his error, taking heat from all corners of the internet while Aubameyang managed to beat him without even lacing up his boots. To quote Omar from The Wire: “If you come for the king, you best not miss.”

For one final piece of justice, I’ll leave you with Mesut Ozil’s perfect and simple sub-tweet of the season.

From one Tony to another (and from one whose name is spelled properly) - Take the L, bud.