Arsenal v. Burnley preview: I want to recognize nobody

There is a very, very faint chance that Arsenal could sneak into fourth place on Sunday. Here’s what has to happen:

- Tottenham has to lose
- Arsenal have to win
- Arsenal also have to overcome a goal difference of eight while both of the above happen

So, while it’s not impossible, it’s also not realistic - I mean, it would probably be the most hilarious and improbable finish to a season since City won it with the last kick of the ball a few years ago, but let’s be real. Even if Arsenal do beat Burnley, they’re not doing so by eight goals, and any combination of eight goals scored/conceded between Arsenal/Spurs means that Spurs will have to get their butts handed to them pretty badly by...checks schedule...Everton yeah that ain’t gonna happen.

It theoretically could happen; Spurs could still be hung over from celebrating their win the other night, but I just looked at the calendar and it’s not the 1980’s any more, so teams don’t go on day-long benders any more, which rules that option out.

Long story short, I’m a big, big Arsenal fan and also generally an optimist, but I don’t think fourth place is gonna happen this year. So, given that, this game literally does not matter at all - Burnley are safe and can’t finish higher than 14th, and thus have even less to play for than Arsenal do. Thus, Unai Emery’s lineup for Sunday should consist of:

Emi Martinez (need a good GK behind this group, so he’s the only actual player involved)

Left Shark (we need a little levity, it’s been a long season)
Golden Corral
Thor (big dude, good in defense, has a hammer and access to another)
Colin Robinson (as an energy vampire, he would be useful against a speedy winger)

Paul Akers (we should reward the Akers family for their decades of service to the club)
The winner of the Emirates Stadium Steward Of The Month competition
One of the mopes from AFTV (let’s see you do better than the actual players!)
One of those NFL tackling dummies

Nick Hornby (superfans are probably going to be good scorers)
Sir Ian McKellen (Arsenal fan, and he’s from Burnley)

That lineup should be good enough to get a result. Or not. Who cares? It’s the last day of the season and everyone’s going to be watching Liverpool or Manchester City anyway. Seriously, Arsenal and Burnley could agree to play cornhole for 90 min at this point, and it’d probably be more interesting.

WHAT:
Arsenal at Burnley
Premier League

WHERE:
Turf Moor, Burnley

WHEN:
Sunday, May 12, 2019
7AM PT/10AM ET/3PM BT

HOW:
US TV: MSNBC (yep, the news one)
US Streaming: NBC Sports
Worldwide info: livesoccer.tv