Your new Arsenal captain: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang

We all assumed Granit Xhaka’s meltdown would cost him the captaincy - Unai Emery has intimated as much since it happened. Today, that...is it a demotion? A punishment? Whatever it was, it was made official. Xhaka’s armband has been handed, ceremonially, over to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, who will now do whatever it is captains do. Can someone tell me what captains do? Because I really have no idea in this day and age.

Arsenal, of course, have a whole bunch of “captains” - Aubameyang, Hector Bellerin, Alexandre Lacazette and Mesut Özil are all, at some level, captains of Arsenal this season. What Aubameyang’s appointment does for the hierarchy there I have no idea. Like, does Auba now get a better parking spot at training? Does everyone on the captains list move up one place on the “Best seats in the cafeteria” seating chart? Are better seats on team buses and trains at play here? There’s so much we don’t know!

What we do know though is that Granit Xhaka’s exile continues, and the breach is so bad that said exile may be made permanent in January. We’ll see how that all plays out, but for now, congratulations, Pierre-Emerick (can we call you Pierre? We’re pals, right?) on your new bit of cloth.