As if things couldn’t get any worse at Arsenal, reports out of London Colney earlier today reveal that someone hurled a bowl of soup at Arsene Wenger during the team lunch. Wenger, as per usual, didn’t see the culprit, and is currently conducting an investigation into the matter. As we wait for David Ornstein to reveal the soup-thrower, let’s take a look at some potential suspects.
Motive: Has a temper and his contract negotiations are going poorly.
Alibi: Tripped over a chair while walking to his table.
Motive: Angry that Ederson has more penalty saves at the Emirates despite 200 fewer appearances.
Alibi: Grabbing napkins for David Ospina after Ospina spilled his soup in his lap.
Motive: Jealous of Wenger’s hair.
Alibi: Sitting next to Wenger and staring straight ahead while he avoided the mess unfolding in front of him.
Motive: Frustrated over lack of playing time; can’t believe he’d do any worse than Shkodran Mustafi.
Alibi: His last name is literally the opposite of throwing.
Motive: Angry that he was dropped for the pair of defeats against Manchester City.
Alibi: Sticking pins in his Alexis Sanchez voodoo doll.
Motive: Realized his contract extension wasn’t actually just a bad dream.
Alibi: Serving soup to his teammates.
Motive: Annoyed that Wenger criticized the defense after yesterday’s game.
Alibi: Complaining to the chef that his gazpacho burned his tongue.
Motive: Almost definitely wants to leave a club where he gets attacked repeatedly online by middle-aged men with neck tattoos.
Alibi: Texting with Wojciech Szczesny.
Motive: Disappointed his request to have nachos for lunch was turned down again (sorry I’m sorry I’m trying to remove it).
Alibi: Has a bad back.
Motive: Likes to assert his authority over elders.
Alibi: Racing back from training only to be about five seconds too late to do anything, at which time he realizes he’s in the wrong place anyway and just gives up.
Motive: Sick of fans lauding Jack Wilshere’s mean streak and aggression
Alibi: Waiting for Granit Xhaka to arrive at his assigned position in the lunch room.
So, who do you think did it? Was it any of these suspects, or was there someone else we haven’t considered?