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EXCLUSIVE: Tottenham Hotspur fan survey revealed

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Chickens On Display At The 2016 Poultry Show Photo by Leon Neal/Getty Images

You may have heard the story about the survey that Tottenham sent to its US club members today. It seemed like a normal enough survey, except it included this:

That’s...not great. So, like the intrepid reporter that I’ve never really been, I started doing some digging, and got my hands on the rest of their survey. I left out the question about a woman’s place, because that’s gross, but otherwise the survey as it was sent to Tottenham’s US supporters appears, verbatim, below:

1. How long have you been a Spurs fan?
a. All my life (go to question 10)
b. I won the PL with them as a FIFA save like 10 years ago, so sure, why not stick with them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (go to question 2)
c. The entire Harry Kane era (go to question 2)

2. Where do you live?
a. London or surrounding area (go to question 10)
b. Elsewhere in Great Britain or mainland Europe (go to question 10)
c. The US, Canada, or Asia (go to question 3)

3. How public are you about being a Spurs fan?
a. I’m Spurs till I die - I wear the shirt to work and talk about the club to anyone who will listen
b. Only among my friends and only on game days but I’m not embarrassed about it, I’m really not, just leave me alone, it’s cool
c. it’s my little secret that I keep to myself, why do you ask PLEASE DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME

4. How much will you miss White Hart Lane?
a. The soul of the club will be irrevocably altered starting next season
b. I’ve never been to a game, so it doesn’t really matter to me where they play
c. The new stadium looks cool in FIFA so I’m all in

5. How much do you like hearing your grandparents tell stories about Tottenham winning the league?
a. It gets really old not having my own story to tell
b. We beat Real Madrid that one time
c. We were so close to beating Juventus I mean c’mon

6a. How angry are you that Arsenal moved to a new home 105 years ago?
a. Posers - there’s only one team in North London, and it’s blue
b. I call them Woolwich because that really shows ‘em who’s boss in 2018
c. Where is London it’s not showing on my map

6b. How old are you?
a. Old enough to honestly answer question 6a
b. Old enough that my parent(s) can honestly answer question 6a
c. wait is Woolwich one of the dorms on campus

7. How many copies of the “Putting Pressure On” DVD did you personally purchase?
a. 7, to represent the points we lost by that season
b. 8, to represent the number of penalties Spurs won in the PL that season
c. 2, to represent our highest finish ever in the Premier League

8. Are you willing to stay a Spurs fan, knowing that a few seasons of financial uncertainty await while Spurs pay off stadium debt?
a. Building a new stadium is just like winning a trophy, and it’s a trophy of a stadium if I do say so myself
b. I hear the Bundesliga’s pretty awesome
c. Is Leicester City still accepting bandwagon fans? VARDY4LIFE YO

9. Jimmy Greaves, Gareth Bale, or Harry Kane?
a. Greavsie, no question
b. Bale didn’t stay long enough, so it’s Kane all the way
c. I don’t know who most of those people are and I don’t understand the question

10. Thank you for your time.
a. This is not a question
b. I don’t understand this why is this even here
c. Please leave me alone