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Goofy Gooners: Arsenal players involved in night club nitrous oxide scandal

If you haven’t heard about this, it’s a gas.

Arsenal v Burnley - Premier League
This explains why our strikers have been so happy lately.
Photo by Clive Mason/Getty Images

Shocking. Disgusting. Morally reprehensible.

These are not words that will be used by us to describe the absurdly silly news broken by The S_n** in a hit piece published by the British tabloid today.

Several Arsenal stars, including Mesut Ozil, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, and Alexandre Lacazette, were caught on camera inhaling laughing gas from balloons and overall having a largely harmless time (unless you are taking into consideration the brain cells that were potentially harmed, and then, ok, fair I guess) during a pre-season lads night out in August.

The S_n, as they are wont to do, have made a mountain out of this proverbial molehill, describing the scene as a “boozy bash” and a “dangerous binge” on “hippy crack,” a site they promised would “horrify Arsenal fans and enrage no-nonsense Spanish team coach Unai Emery.” The article goes to great lengths to describe the actions of the players in damnable language that is guaranteed to outrage only the most naive of readers.

After the footage emerged of Arsenal players partaking in nitrous oxide in August, the club has given the offending parties a slap on the wrist via a firm lecture about their responsibilities in the wake of what is now being referred to as Gas Gate by...well, just me.

It’s been quite some time since Arsenal has been mired in an inane scandal, and this now joins the likes of Pizza Gate and Smoking in the Showers Gate in the pantheon of absurdist Arsenal history. While the actions of the players were probably not in their best interests as publicly visible celebrities or in the club’s best interests, their actions were completely legal, no one got hurt, and the offending parties have been talked to about making smarter choices going forward.

Besides, at least no one was arrested for drunk driving.

Thank you for your time.

**Author’s note: We are not providing a link to The Sun’s article because it is patently ludicrous sensationalist dreck and they don’t deserve the clicks and revenue we would be unnecessarily providing them. Read it at your own discretion.