Dear Hector Bellerin: Don’t move to Barcelona and become a tax dodger

Dear Hector,

We here at The Short Fuse are pretty big fans of you, your game, and especially your keen fashion sense.

You’ve come a long way since Mathieu Debuchy was brutally, intentionally attacked by that one Stoke City moron and you, as a wide-eyed 19 year-old, filled in so admirably at right back that Debuchy was virtually never heard from ever again.

It’s natural that other clubs would like to have you on their side, and I’m extremely pleased you’ve played so well in these last couple of years that you’ve caught the eyes of other clubs - after all, it’s a reflection on the talent we have at Arsenal. But, for God’s sake, please don’t move to Barcelona and become a dodgy, tax-dodging dummy dumbheaded dumbass.

I get it, going back home has its sentimental roots, especially if you’re returning a better player and person than when you first left. I go back to my hometown on occasion and strut around like a total doofus, and the most I’ve accomplished in my life has been not dying while performing auto-erotic asphyxiation. But Jesus Christ, man, the chances you get nicked for tax-dodging if you go back to Barcelona has to be, like 99.9% at this rate.

Just don’t do it, man. Just don’t do it. You’re a good kid who will take pictures with anyone who asks for one, including Spurs fans, and the last thing you need at this early stage in your life and career is to gain a criminal record.

Stay put, enjoy the constant stress and turmoil at Arsenal, and be free from courtrooms and lawyer fees you’re absolutely guaranteed to experience going back home.

Sincerely,

The Short Fuse Staff (mainly me, Travis)