I think the Short Fuse staff is pretty united behind the concept that Arsene Wenger should leave. Given that we don’t like to talk about things that cause other problems, we all decided that we would also, in addition to proposing his departure, think a bit about what we’d like him to do next, both seriously and not. After all, we don’t want him cast into the wilderness without a Plan B, do we?
Let’s be vocational guidance counselors!
Arsene Wenger should make the classic shift from managing in the world of football to football punditry. He'd be perfect for this role, because it's full of people who are opinionated, often hold beliefs about games that don't actually match with what happened, believe they know what a winning side looks like and can start endless arguments among fans. He'd be perfect and far more eloquent than the marble gargling jackanapes currently employed. Also, he could tell Thierry Henry what to do again.
Since Arsene seems to never want to give up coaching football, I don’t see why he should. I could absolutely see Wenger as an American football coach. After all, he’s got that stubborn, emotionless resolve needed, and after a little practice with yelling, I’m sure he’d fit right in. Besides, getting fourth place in the NFL means losing in the AFC or NFC championship, which isn’t half bad. The only problem I foresee is his trademark jacket getting a bit toasty in America’s warm Augusts and Septembers. Hopefully, when he does become a football coach, Nike releases a short-sleeved version to keep Wenger nice and cool.
Managing Arsenal Football Club has kept Arsene Wenger from his true passion too long. Whenever his tenure comes to a close, Wenger has the AARP model game locked up. His sartorial skills has always outstripped his managerial competition. He needs a greater challenge: the world of high fashion.
NYU Philosophy professor. The perfect opportunity to combine his vaguely ethereal outlook on life with his passion for tweed, elbow patches and scarves out of season. He'll also have a chance to mold the mind and abilities of young academy prospects, something many credit him for during his peak as Arsenal manager. Of course, he won't have the spending power of the Harvards and Yales of the world in order to recruit the top, top kids to his program, but it's all about getting the right kind of students, not the ones most coveted.
I was going to say “water slide tester,” but honestly I hope he writes. He’s probably the smartest person in soccer, and he has to have mountains of stories to tell. He could write an Infinite Jest-length memoir and I’d read every word of it. I wouldn’t hate it if he branched out either, unlike almost every other person in sports I’d actually be fascinated to hear more in-depth takes on politics and the world from him, more detailed and maybe more candid than what he’s offered in his life in the public eye. So please Arsene, write a book. Or ten.
Arsene Wenger is one of the most brilliant minds in sports. His accomplishments and innovations are legend, and the game is a different place today because of him. He’s also, as we know, very rigid in his thought process - he has a way of doing things, and his way is The Way, good or bad. You know what job that’d make him perfect for? Mechanical engineering. My brother-in-law is and comes from a long line of mechanical engineers, and they’re all Wenger - super smart, unbelievably good at what they do, and completely lacking any ability to think outside whatever box they’re currently in.