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Monday cannon fodder: Statues, parachutes, and records

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Paragliding Accuracy World Cup 1st Series 2017
not this kind of parachute, the monetary kind
Photo by Robertus Pudyanto/Getty Images

Hi! How was your weekend? I’m not a huge Ducks fan and my only connection to Gonzaga is the fact that my sister, who doesn’t really like, follow, or watch sports at all, graduated from there, but I’m super excited that two West Coast teams are in the Final Four. An Oregon-Gonzaga championship game would be a ton of fun, and probably the lowest-watched championship game in history (does anyone outside the Northwest give a damn about either team?), so of course that’s the matchup I want.

This was an international weekend, of course. What happened?

The USMNT magically solved all its problems all at once and everything will be fine now, after they took down Honduras 6-0 in what is surely an indicator of how they’ll do against actually good teams once they qualify for the World Cup. Skeptical? Me? Nah. Next up for the US men as they attempt to keep climbing the Hex is a game against Panama in Panama City on Tuesday night.

England, meanwhile, stayed atop UEFA group F by beating Lithuania 2-0.

André Schürrle was picked to start over Mesut Özil by Germany coach Joachim Löw, so of course Schürrle scored two goals in Germany’s 4-1 win over Azerbaijan.

There was some The Major League Soccer action this weekend too, because MLS allows teams to play during international breaks if they want. The Timbers went to Columbus and came back with no points, as the Crew took advantage of the lack of Darlington Nagbe and David Guzmán, flooded the Timber midfield, and won 3-2 to break Portland’s season-starting three game win streak.

Elsewhere in MLS, Minnesota United is on pace to break a record they don’t want to break. In 2013, now-defunct Chivas USA gave up an MLS record 67 goals in a 34 game season. Minnesota United have played four games in their first season, and after losing 5-2 to the New England Revolution, they’ve already conceded 18 goals this season - 27% of the way to Chivas’ record after only 11% of the season.

Barcelona’s going to put up a statue of Johan Cruyff at the Camp Nou, and also will name the new stadium at their training center after him.

If there’s one thing businesses should learn, it’s that they should never ask the internet to name something for them.

The Premier League is going to investigate possible abuse of the parachute payment system it uses to ensure the survival of relegated teams, after reports surfaced that many teams are just pocketing the money instead of using it on players.