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Blud’s in Goal, fam, yeah?

Do you know the guy playing midfield?


[Scene: Outside of Emirates Stadium.]

[Man Like Robbie and Troopz stand next to each other, both looking grimly into the camera.]

[Troopz is holding a copy of Arsenal Magazine, Volume 13 Issue 11 titled “In Pod We Trust!” He has it rolled up as if he’s ready to hit someone.]

[Robbie looks haggard as he waits for the camera to roll.]

[Behind them are multiple Arsenal fans, half chanting "WENGER IN!" the other half crying while chanting "WENGER OUT!"]

Robbie: OK. Arsenal is playing Manchester City later today. Looks like they just announced the squads. Let’s see who is in goal.

Troopz: It’s Fam, blud.

Robbie: Fam Blud?

Troopz: No no, Fam Blud is in midfield next to Blud, fam, yeah?

Robbie: So it’s Blud?

[Both men pause. Robbie’s eyes open slightly wider while Troopz looks ready to hit Robbie with the magazine.]

Troopz: No blud, Blud is in midfield yeah? next to Fam Blud, yeah? Goalkeeper is Fam, blud, c’mon fam.

Robbie: Wenger would never play Fam Blud Fam in goal. You remember that time he took Eto’o down outside the box and got sent off?

[The fans behind Claude and Troopz have now stopped chanting. Between them, Ty can be seen with his headphones off, still changing “WENGER IN!” with tears streaming down his face.]

Troopz: No fam, Fam Blud Fam is not in goal. It’s not Blud yeah? It’s Fam, blud.

Robbie: But you said Blud Fam is in midfield next to Blud?

Troopz: Even Wenger wouldn’t play Blud Fam in midfield yeah. He’s gotten too many red cards, blud.

Robbie: That hasn’t stopped him yet. He keeps playing Blud Fam in midfield next to Fam Blud even though Fam Blud is constantly getting hurt and losing his man.

[From the right behind Troopz stumbles a random fan looking very drunk. He chugs a Carlsberg and glares at the camera before stumbling between the split crowd.]

Troopz: Yeah blud. ... Wait. What were we talking about, fam?

Robbie: Fam Blud’s in goal.

Troopz: No blud, it’s Fam, yeah blud?

Robbie: Blud’s in goal?

Troopz: No blud, it’s Fam, yeah fam?

Robbie: Oh no, he can’t play Fam Fam. The last time he played he botched a clearance at the end of the match and cost us a trophy.

Troopz: No fam, not Fam Fam; Fam, blud.

[Ty runs in quickly upon hearing this as if there’s a disturbance in the force.]

Ty: Kosc is better than any defender anyone has ever had in the history of everything!

[Ty runs off camera left, his headphones flying off his head in the process.]

Robbie: But Fam Blud is in midfield even though he is shit and is going to get loaned to Bournemouth next season.

Troopz: I know fam. Fam Blud is in midfield yeah? Fam’s in goal.

Robbie: Fam’s in goal?

Troopz: Yeah blud. Blud’s in midfield, yeah fam?

[The interview ends and Robbie, Troopz, and the others head into the stadium.]

[The match goes badly for Arsenal. A 6-1 loss at home means Arsenal only have eight points in their last eleven league matches. Loud chants of “WENGER OUT!” echo throughout the stadium.]

[A plane flying a “IN WENGER WE TRUST!” banner accidentally cuts the line. The banner falls in the middle of the Emirates Stadium, resulting in a chorus of boos.]

[Theo Walcott slips on the banner as he walks out, tearing his ACL and ending his season. He has a flashback to the FA Cup against Tottenham and holds up the “2-0” sign as he’s stretchered off. Fans are very confused.]

[Two and a half hours later]

Robbie: Well Troopz. A tough day for Arsenal. They conceded early when Fam Blud failed to track Yaya Toure in midfield, leading to an easy finish for the Ivorian to put City up 1-0. Then Fam charged out of the box and took down Aguero at the edge of the area and got sent off. From there, City was scoring for fun. Blud Yeah’s late goal gave us some consolation, but it still finished 6-1. What do you think?

Troopz: Wenger is a fuckin fraud yeah blud? You can’t play Fam in goal against a team like City. He’s slow off his line, it was always going to be trouble, yeah blud?

[Ty stumbles in, his headphones around his neck but without the cord.]

Ty: Wenger is the greatest manager ever!

[Ty leaves behind Troopz, shaking his head.]

Robbie: So you’re saying he should’ve played Yeah Blud in goal?


[A record scratches and everyone except Troopz pauses.]

[Troopz talks straight to the camera, breaking the fourth wall.]

Troopz: Hi fam! You might be asking yourself “Blud! How’d you get into this mess?” Well I’ll tell ya, fam: It wasn’t easy, blud. Promises of silverware blud! Promises of Champions League glory, fam! I can’t help it if Fam Blud bottles it when he’s called upon, fam!

[Troopz looks back at Robbie as the record scratches again. Everyone resumes movement as if nothing happened.]

Troopz: No blud, Yeah Blud is even worse than Fam, yeah fam? He needs to sign a proper goalkeeper this summer.

Robbie: Fam Yeah Fam is a defender.

Troopz: No blud, Fam is a goalkeeper, yeah blud? We need a goalkeeper and we need a new midfielder because Fam Blud is shit blud. And we need a striker too blud, yeah?

Robbie: Blud Yeah is a left back.

Troopz: No blud, a striker, yeah?

Robbie: Right, but Blud Yeah is a left back.

Troopz: No blud, we don’t need a left back. Nacho Monreal is world class blud.

[Two hours later, Robbie and Troopz are still arguing. The angry group behind them have dwindled down to just a few supporters.]

[Claude and Ty are having an argument over whether Thierry Henry was the greatest or the greatest ever behind the small group. Both breakout into tears realizing how far they’ve fallen.]

Robbie: No, I’m not talking about buying a left back. You know the guy who stands near the goal, who drifts around into the channels, holds the ball up?

Troopz: Yeah blud.

Robbie: No. Yeah Blud is a left back. I’m not talking about left backs.

Troopz: What?

Robbie: The guy who scores goals. The guy who we compare to Thierry Henry when he is good? The guy we say is a fucking fraud when he has a bad match? The guy who inevitably blows out his ACL as soon as he hits a good run of form?

Troopz: Yeah fam.

Robbie: That’s what we need to buy!

Troopz: No blud!

[Ty stumbles into the shot just as Robbie loses it. Robbie takes Ty’s headset and starts beating Troopz over the head with them.]

[Five minutes later]

[Robbie stands up covered in blood. He takes off his Arsenal jacket revealing a Spurs shirt underneath.]

Robbie: I’m done, fam.

[End scene.]

The Short Fuse has been taken over today by Cartilage Free Captain, SB Nation's Tottenham Hotspur blog! For the humor-impaired, articles posted today are intended to be parody and do not reflect the views (or even the writing!) of The Short Fuse writing staff.