Jack Wilshere talks to Arsene Wenger

Hey boss, I was wondering if I could get a match anytime soon. No, I mean, I understand. I know there are a lot of options at your disposal.

Yes, I also get why you’re hesitant to start me. Between my propensity to get hurt doing routine athletic tasks and my inability to understand basic positional responsibilities and movement, it’s tough to trust my inclusion in the first team.

But let me tell you why you should. I have grit. And passion. And attitude. I have been at the club since I was 9. Plus I have the support of all the locals. They see me as ingrained in Arsenal as they are, someone who loves the badge as much as they do. I know that doesn’t mean much to you, but it means a lot to me. I will fight anyone if they talk bad about the club.

Another thing is...wait, yes, I’ll hold while you answer your phone.

[five minutes pass]

Are you still on the call? I don’t hear a muffled voice anymore on the other end. Are you just holding the phone up to you hear and pretending to talk to someone? OK, so you took the phone down from your ear, but you’re now surfing the web on it.

[phone buzzes]

Did...did you just @ me on Twitter?

[checks phone]

That’s rude. You’re rude. Why are you so rude?