According to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s Twitter feed, the squad had a little team bonding dinner this evening. Here’s the evidence:
Dinner with the boys pic.twitter.com/Wo4JneQjr1— Alex Ox-Chamberlain (@Alex_OxChambo) January 24, 2017
Look at the lads! Most of them are done up quite lovely. Others need to seriously reevaluate the life choices which brought them to the outfits they wore on this fateful evening. Without further ado, here are my Dinner Ratings on the stylistic performances of the squad. (Note: Mesut Ozil, Shkodran Mustafi, and Santi Cazorla were not present. No, I do not know where they were.)
Laurent Koscielny - What the hell is that on your left shoulder, Kos? You were so close to earning an average score but whatever hell that is, it is not good. 3/10
Yaya Sanogo - Bold choice with some sort of tiger print long-sleeve shirt from Yaya. That said, the lad has been injured for nigh on 2 years, so I’ll give him a break. Solid outfit. 7/10
JEFF Reine-Adelaide - It appears we have a little bit of black on black action going on here, but those jeans may be a dark blue wash. Either way. I like it. Simple. Classic. Belle. 8/10
Granit Xhaka - The Swiss midfielder is wearing a black shirt. Can’t see anything else. I like black shirts. 7/10
Olivier Giroud - The meaty french forehead has some sort of a dark grey sweater over a lighter shirt with a tannish color pant. This is also simple and classic. What else would you expect from that beautiful man? 8/10
Alex Iwobi - Alex, we all know that’s a bottle of San Pellegrino. Ditch the Urkel glasses and your score will go up 3 points. Instead, your black hoodie gets stuck with 5/10.
Theo Walcott, Chuba Akpom, Rob Holding - All wearing some sort of black or dark shirt. Automatic 7/10.
Carl Jenkinson - I really hate to add to the torrent of internet abuse against Jenks but, man. Carl. Come here, buddy. What are you doing in the white tee? Get it together, mate. You can get away with that outfit with five fingers worth of bourbon in your hand while sitting on a recliner after a stressful week at your 9 to 5, not out on the town with your workmates. 2/10
Per Mertesacker - Proper dad plaid. Fully unbuttoned to show off an undershirt. Can’t even hate. 7/10
Petr Cech - Big Pete coming in bland with a regular ol’ grey tee. 5/10
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain - The Ox clearly takes great pride in his appearance. The hoodie is black with yellow accent marks. It also contains a print on the front, the nature of which is far too cool and hip for a plebe like me to recognize. I dig it. 8.5/10.
Emiliano Martinez - Black long sleeve. Strong accessorizing with a rosary, but he loses those extra points for whatever that is on his wrist. 8/10
Hector Bellerin - Of course, Hector is going to come out to a squad dinner with guns blazing, sartorially speaking. This shirt is straight :fire emoji:. 9/10
Alexis Sanchez - Dangerous to wear black whenever the only two things you touch are dogs that shed. Regardless, this looks very solid. 7/10
Nacho Monreal, Danny Welbeck, and Kieran Gibbs - Again with the black/dark shirts. I’m sensing a theme. 7/10
Aaron Ramsey - Black long-sleeve, very good. Black watch, excellent accessorizing. Black jeans, love it. Black denim jacket draped over chair, amazing. Holes in jeans, not great, Bob. Massive holes in jeans, two point deduction. 6.5/10
Francis Coquelin - Franky C is dressed impeccably. Excellent light grey sweater paired with dark jeans. 7.5/10
David Ospina - WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSSEEEEE????
The shirt is terrible, the jeans worse, and his shoes look like they were made by a company who thought the Steph 3s were too hip. But the glasses. Those glasses. Davey looks like he’s about to drop the hottest audit of 2017. 1.5/10
Gabriel Paulista - Too much going on with the shirt, but the watch slightly redeems the outfit. 5.5/10
Lucas Perez - Nice clean blue button up. He pulls off the dark capris well and caps them off nicely with the white sneakers. This is an impeccable outfit. 7.5/10