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My Dinner with Jose: Who are the worst possible people to honor Arsène Wenger?

Because if it's not Piers Morgan, man, I don't know.

By Thomas Wachtel
"thank God I don't actually have to spend any time around these people"
"thank God I don't actually have to spend any time around these people"
Paul Gilham/Getty Images

Sometimes, television stations do stupid things. Other times they do tremendously stupid things.

Like, who wants to see that? Nobody who doesn't like Arsène Wenger is probably watching that show, and nobody who does wants to have to look at Piers Morgan's idiot face, much less hear him talk.

So that gave me an idea. Who would be the worst possible person to have on a panel to honor Arsène's 20th anniversary at Arsenal?

Jose Mourinho

This was the first name that came to mind; in fact, FBJ0 mentioning it is what spurred the idea for this post. But can you imagine listening to this? I think after about 30 seconds I'd take an ice pick to my ears.

Stewart Robson

No person has been more wrong about more things in soccer than Stewart Robson, and his consistent needling of Wenger is on that list. A few years ago he said that he wouldn't trust Wenger with any amount of money, then went on to say that he should be replaced by Antonio Conte (which, fine, Conte's a reasonably good manager despite Arsène kicking his ass this past weekend), and listing some players that he'd buy for Conte (I guess). He then recommended Joel Matip, then of Schalke and now at Liverpool, which...fine, I guess. I'd rather have Mustafi, personally. The other two recommendations, though...Christian Benteke and Mohamed Diamé. Good lord, man.

So yeah, he's got a vendetta against Arsène and he's a moron.

Miguel Delaney

Overall Miguel's fine – there's plenty of subjects that I wouldn't mind hearing from him on. He's certainly not near the level the other three...gentlemen I've mentioned are on. But he did do this. And that stings. The first few are fine: Pep as #1 makes sense, and I'll grant you Mourinho is a good manager. I like Jurgen Klöpp too.

And then we hit the fun stuff. 5. Louis van Gaal. 6. Manuel Pellegrini. Both have had success, but both were sacked last year, and neither was really cheated. Now here's your money shot: 7. Brendan Rodgers. HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS. At number 9 you have Rudi Garcia, who I literally forgot existed, followed immediately by Roberto Martinez, whose claim to fame is somehow winning the FA Cup and getting relegated in the same year.

It's bad enough Carlo Ancelotti is down this far (#11), but this is a post about Arsène Wenger. Where's he, you ask? #19. Below Frank de Boer and a pre-Tottenham Mauricio Pochettino. So yeah, unless he's coming to do a self-FJMing of this power ranking, I'm not sure Miguel should be invited. Sorry, buddy.

The Mayor of Arenys de Mar

I don't know if you remember this guy, but he was my personal favorite part of the hellish Cesc Fabregas transfer saga. Cesc was born in the Catalan town of Arenys de Mar, and their then-mayor (he may still be mayor, but I don't give a damn so I'm not looking it up) was extremely Mad Online that we hadn't given Cesc back to Barcelona yet. He was so extremely nude and red that he accused Arsène of kidnapping.

"We want him to come right away, he is experiencing a kidnapping," Estanislau Fors i Garcia, the mayor of Catalan town Arenys de Mar where Fabregas grew up, was quoted as saying in Barcelona-based daily Sport.

"If the English are so honourable they should behave properly," he added.

"He [Arsenal coach Arsène Wenger] has to stop clowning around because it's disorienting for all of us."

Yes, disorienting is probably the right word to use. I actually would kind of like to see how this dude might react to Héctor Bellerín basically having an English accent now, so maybe this would be good.

Owen Coyle

Former Bolton Wanderers and Houston Dynamo (no, seriously) manager, also a former constantly touted replacement for Wenger until he got Bolton relegated, then got fired, then got fired from Wigan for being worse than Roberto Martinez was, then left The MLS "to be closer to his family" (read: to be farther away from the bad team he had been running). Now he's at Blackburn Rovers, who are 22nd in the Championship after ten games.

So,

Oz Gooner

This says it all, really.

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