We could have gone the route of piling on Arsene Wenger in this week's Wednesday Roundtable -- "Fire Wenger, or fire Wenger into the sun?" -- but there's been enough doom and gloom on Arsenal sites in the past few days on the future of both the team and its longtime manager. And some of it is even deserved! That got us to thinking, what if Arsenal could be great again? So one thing led to another, we made some hats, and oh boy did this get out of hand:
How do we Make Arsenal Great Again?
We are losing on trade. We are losing on trade to Chelsea, to Manchester City, and this season, we are even losing to Spurs and Leicester. That is unacceptable. We deserve the best French players. Francis Coquelin and Olivier Giroud are not the best French players, not by a long shot. I am calling for a 45 percent tariff on West Ham until they sell us Dimitri Payet, and the same for Atletico Madrid until they hand over Antoine Griezmann. Some people might call that unreasonable. But I call Andy Carroll scoring a hat trick in nine minutes against Arsenal unreasonable.
When I look around Arsenal, you know what I see? Great stuff. The best. Not a lot of class, but...some great class. So what I propose is to bring a lot more class to Arsenal, because class wins trophies, which are also classy. First up: the team wears gold plated shoes. Nothing says class like gold plate. Look at Trump Tower: that place is all class.
Also, gold plate everything at both Colney and the Emirates; gold faucets, gold bathtubs, gold toilets, everything. Gold = classy. Also, make all the seats at the Emirates mahogany. Mahogany is a super-luxury material that shows everyone that you have class. And as we all know, without class, you're nothing.
Islington! I love Islington. I love you people. Really great. So great. Holloway? Is anyone from Highbury? Great towns. Used to be so much better. Remember? Remember when we used to win? I do. We used to win so many things. Cups and silverware and trophies and leagues. Oh my, the leagues. Do you remember? Look, when I become manager, we're gonna win so many leagues your head is gonna spin. You're gonna ask me to stop winning so many leagues.
Now look. I like Arson Venga. He's good. He's a good man. But he's not good at his job. He doesn't know how to make deals. Are you kidding me? The Benayoun deal was the worst deal I've ever seen. The worst. When I become manager, we're gonna make so many great deals. So many great deals. So many.
Have you been to Barcelona? Have you been to the beach? Have you seen it? They say it's mescun club. It really is, folks. It so is. So nice. So many nice people. So great. And they win! They win all the time. We went a month ago. They're winners. We went and we were astounded at how much they were winning. I'm sure they'll keep winning. That's what we're going to do when I'm manager folks.
Now look. A lot of people don't think we can win any more. They say, "It's hard! You can't win at Arsenal! Can't be done!" WRONG! Look, my transfer war chest is totally self-funded. Nobody can buy my transfers, not the energy companies, not Wall St., nobody. Completely self-funded. I'm the only manager in the EPL that can say that. Folks, I have been in business a long time. I know deal-making. I've studied this team in great detail, I would say actually greater by far than anybody else. And I talk to a lot of people and at the appropriate time I'll tell you who the people are. And folks, I know words. I have the best words. Believe me. Oh, believe me. I know how to deal with trouble. Remember that please. It's horrible.
At the very least, we must fix the problems. We're not going to let it happen. You've never seen problems get fixed like this. We will, we will. I promise, we will. Let me be clear: it's going to happen folks. There's only one way. You have to confront it. You have to deal with it. Oh my, the things we're going to do. It's going to be so obvious.
Believe me. Seriously. On day one. It has to stop. Folks, we can't let this happen any longer. It has to end soon. Look, it has to end now. We're going to do it, folks. Totally, completely, entirely. That's all it's going to take when I'm manager, folks.
So I want to thank you very much. This has been a truly great honor. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ted: Look at this club; is this a small club? If it's small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee.
Aidan: The French league are sending their most unwanted players into Arsenal. They're not sending you. They're not sending me. They're sending their worst people. They're bringing bad DMs. They're bringing oafish finishing. They're bringing bottling surrenderers. And some, I assume, are good players. Let's build a wall around the Emirates, make Tottenham pay for it, and make sure that foreign leagues only send us their good players.