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BREAKING: transcript of Arsenal players-only meeting

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The following is a transcript of a leaked audio recording of the Arsenal players' meeting ahead of Hull City replay.

Michael Regan/Getty Images

Per Mertesacker (PM): Alright, alright. Settle down. Look, we are all aware of the important match later today but we need to have a talk as a team to address a major issue we are facing.

Jack Wilshere (JW): Woooo! Let's up [redacted] those Hull [redacted]

PM: Yes, Jack, thank you.

JW: What is Tottenham?

Petr Cech (PC): That's great, Wilsh. Think it's time for your rehab.

JW: What is Tottenham!

PM: Enough. Mikel, take care of this.

Mikel Arteta (MA): Here ya go, Jack.

JW: Ooooo, a football! Haven't seen ones of these in months. Can I kick it?

PM: Sure, knock yourself out. Now, I called this meeting to discuss a--

Francis Coquelin (FC): SHIT!

MA: Late as usual. Here you go, Francis.

PM: Sigh, look. We are going into a stretch of very important games and it would not do to have distractions. But the training staff have brought to my attention some very alarming issue. They've gone over our equipment and have found that we are missing close to half our right footed socks.

Mesut Özil (MO): Mein Gott!

Aaron Ramsey (AM): That's terrible!

Alexis Sanchez (AS): THIS INJUSTICE SHALL NOT STAND!

PM: Calm down, calm down. I know this is sudden and unsettling but it gets worse. The staff has investigated this issue over the past few weeks and can turn up no evidence that anyone on the staff is making off with the socks. Which means, the only possible culprits are those who wear them. One of us.

PC: You ok, Jack?

JW: Peachy.

PM: I don't want to accuse anyone but it'd be better if the culprit came forward. You can do it quietly to either Petr, Mikel, myself or Tomas--

Tomas Rosicky (TR): Hey, guys! I still exist!

PM: --and I promise there we won't Szczesny you. So... anyone?

Olivier Giroud (OG): Well, it's not me but how do we know none of you four are behind it?

PM: Well, I wear the largest socks in the group so all of your socks would do me no good. Petr is a goalkeeper and thus wears different socks and neither Mikel or Tomas are physically able to put on socks at the moment, so I feel satisfied in their innocence.

TR: But I'm still here!

Mohamed Elneny (ME): Well, don't look at me. I'm still dying my socks from Basel.

David Ospina (DO): I don't even like wearing socks.

Mathieu Flamini (MF): Let's not point fingers. Look, how about I go out and buy us all new socks. I do have the money these days, you know.

PM: Thank you, Mathieu. We are all very impressed with your power making thing but this isn't about just getting new socks. It is about respect for the club. If you don't respect the equipment or the training staff, it is a stain on the honour of the team.

Hector Bellerin (HB): I'm sorry, but I don't see the problem. Can't we just wear two left foot socks for games?

PM: Two... left socks? Hector... have you gone mad!? You know NONE of us have a left foot!!

MO: I do.

PM: BESIDES YOU!

PC: QUIET!

HB: Sorry... I... sorry!

PM: Look, it doesn't matter. We have a big game but we can't have these sorts of things tearing the team appart. Please, stop stealing the socks and if they magically show up, I shall consider the situation close. OK?

PM: OK then, let's get out there and defend our cup!

PM: Uh, Matheiu... you ok?

MF: What? Yes. Yes. Fine, thank you.

PM: Because you're limping a bit. We can't afford players not to disclose injuries these days.

MF: No, no... I'm fine... just the one leg longer than the other thing. It'll loosen up. It's like deadleg.

PM: If you say so. Although your knee looks a bit purple

MF: No, it doesn't. Now, let's get out there and beat Hall!

PM: Hull.

MF: Whatever! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...