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Previewing the Arsenal summer transfer season with Spendy McWarchester

If you feel that Arsenal needs to spend money to acquire more and better players, you are not alone.

Alex Caparros/Getty Images

Some people regard Spendy McWarchester as mere fiction: Namely, the embodiment of the £100 million warchest that Arsenal's board has amassed for the annual summer transfer window. Arsenal's supposed reluctance to spend on quality players has been challenged in recent years by the acquisitions of Mesut Özil and Alexis Sanchez, but there are still some who feel that Arsenal needs to match Chelsea and the Manchesters in roster additions, and those people should be buoyed by the fact that Spendy McWarchester is very real, very enthusiastic to buy players, and, thanks to generations of political machinations that only a few are privy to, very much a part of Arsenal's spending window conversations. We reached out to the Honorary Baron of Woolwich as this year's summer transfer window, and found him willing to dictate some notes about the upcoming festival of spending from his Monaco home. We present to you Mr. McWarchester's thoughts on the pending summer transfer window opening.


GOALKEEPERS: I know that we have two netminders the team has used this year, but I would rather have one expensive netminder than two who are not as expensive. I know that some are in the Whoa Kenny Chesney camp and others are in the David S. Pinot camp, but I am thinking we should spend some money here on a new netminder and settle the debate once and for all. I like the sound of this Peter Catch fellow -- that is certainly a good name for a goalie, much better than Peter Drop! Ha ha! I also like the sound of this David Hey fellow, but I fear that my cousin, Euros Perez, will buy him for Real Big Madrid first. I also hear that Peter Catch likes to wear a hat in goal -- if it is a top hat, all the better!

DEFENSEMEN: My father, Sir Spendzil McWarchester, was fond of saying that football is a game of borers and scorers, and you need both to win in football. Last year, I bought Matthew D. Bouchy, and then I bought Callous Chambers, thinking that we should have some more borers on the team, but I did not see much of either on the field this year. I am being told I should be looking at this Cedric Soars fellow from Portugal, who to me sounds like a bird. I looked at a bird-player for quite some time last year -- Rad Male Falcon -- and I am aware that he had a magnificent season as a scorer for United, and yet is now available again to the right bidder. I have always wanted to take up falconry as a hobby, ha ha! But here I am talking about scorers again! Perhaps I will buy this Soars bird-fellow after all.

MIDDLE PEOPLE: My father spoke of borers and scorers, but not about the middle people, who are my favorite people in soccer! (Except for maybe the scorers!) In the past two years, we have acquired Message Ozil, who I am very happy with, and Lexus, who I am even more happy with! Who knew I would be happy with a simple Lexus, ha ha! If there was a soccer player named Bugatti, of course, I would buy him straight away. I do like the sound of this Arturo V-Doll fellow people have been talking about. Dolls are very collectible, and a V-Doll seems like an excellent kind of doll to have. I also like the sound of this Morgan Sniderling fellow, who I believe is the younger brother of Wesley Sniderling, who I understand is a Dutch teammate and great friend of Robin Van Pursy, who I miss a great deal. Maybe Morgan Sniderling will make me forget that I miss Van Pursy. Maybe someday the Glazers will put Van Pursy back on the market. Maybe someday.

SCORERS: There are so many scorers to choose from this year! There is the aforementioned Rad Male Falcon, who I understand is on the market again, which is odd because the Glazers just bought him. I do like the sound of some players my cousin might want to sell -- that Garish Bail is intriuging, as is that Karen Benz-ma fellow, who has a car name like Lexus. And I hear that Thomas Edison Carvani might be available, speaking of cars! Is a Lacazette a car? Because I have been hearing that name. And if there's one thing I would like this summer, it is a scorer named for a car ... unless it is indeed a Garish Bail to get me out of the prison that is NOT ENOUGH SCORERS. And I also hear there is a Sterling available, which is a chance to buy money for money! FORSOOTH! MAKETH WITH THE RAIN!

The Short Fuse looks forward to bringing you a summer of Spendy Wednesdays each Wednesday this summer (and updates at other points of the summer transfer window, as actual news or legitimate, interesting rumors warrant).