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As we all know, Arsenal have been linked with...well, they've been linked with a lot of people. That's the nature of being in the Top Club Club. But recently, Arsenal have been linked with Porto's Colombian striker Jackson Martinez.
As usual with the stupid silly season, there's all kinds of chatter about the prospect of Jackson Martinez coming to Arsenal - he's a guy that excites a lot of people, so the inevitable conversations about where he fits in and what he could bring to the side have started in earnest.
Quite possibly the best of those conversations happened this morning. Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to screencap it:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Quite possibly the conversation of the year. <a href="http://t.co/4ecwov2YFN">pic.twitter.com/4ecwov2YFN</a></p>— Back Page Football (@bpfootball) <a href="https://twitter.com/bpfootball/status/609343922498744321">June 12, 2015</a></blockquote>
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That, friends, is solid gold. That's solid gold served on a platinum plate and garnished with $100 bills. It's that rare unicorn of conversation that gets funnier every time you read it - there's so much to unpack in such a short conversation:
Until he's 29, he's 28
That is the most straightforward existential view of Jackson Martinez possible. He exists in only one plane - that of a 28 year old.
Hes a lot nearer 29 than 28. That's a fact.
Now we're getting somewhere, philosophically! Jackson Martinez is now starting to exist in two planes at once, a 29 year old one and a 28 year old one. He's becoming Schrödinger's Footballer, in which you don't know how old he is until...uh, I don't know, you cut him open and count his rings? Oh wait no that's trees.
What am I not surprised that fractions are beyond you? The day after his birthday, he's no longer 28
Oh shit son. Things are getting hot up in here now! Busting out the calendar to prove a point! Strong move. A move of tenuous worth, but a strong move nonetheless.
he's 28 until he becomes 29. That's how it works
So all those half-year birthday parties I threw myself in my 20's were a lie. Got it. That hurts, but if that's how it works, who am I to argue?
Perhaps if you had paid more attention in Maths lessons? You might remember "round up or down to the nearest whole number"
Yeah, but if NASA did that, they would have missed the moon and probably ended up on Ganymede by mistake. Then what? See? Fractions are important, especially to astronauts. YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH SCIENCE
£1.75 is not one pound. You don't even understand what a fact is now.
TESTIFY. If you think £1.75 equals one pound, you probably think the Earth orbits Ganymede. Point to the fractions faction.
Sadly, we don't know from the snippet we have how this resolved itself. Did one of them drive to Temecula? Did one of them refer the other to this discussion about the days of the week? Having so many unanswered questions is very unsatisfying. All I know is that Jackson Martinez is under 30, and THAT'S NOT NEARLY PRECISE ENOUGH.