It's over. It's all over. The 2014-15 Premier League season has ended, with Satan himself winning the title and Arsenal once again finishing in the Champions League places. But really who cares about all that? The educated among us know that the game is about banter, not winning and losing. And for that reason, the beginning of the official Short Fuse marathon of pointless season recaps is not about the best players or the winning teams. It's about the stupid stuff that happened all year that made us laugh. Mostly at the expense of others. Come with me...on a journey.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is from the point of view of an Arsenal fan, so if you aren't one, you might disagree. I don't care, and am not interested in hearing from you. Chelsea fans, that means you.
6. Yaya Sanogo watches Aaron Ramsey do a madness
You're goddamn right I'm already violating the premise. Aaron Ramsey scored probably the goal of the season in the fall against Galatasaray in the Champions League, with a rocket from distance on the volley. It was awesome, but the goal itself wasn't the best part. The best part was Yaya Sanogo's reaction.
The man looks like he just watched a murder.
5. Liverpool trying to replace Luis Suarez
Last year Liverpool were mostly quite good, and as such we were all as a culture forced to pretend that meant Brendan Rodgers was actually good at his job. Turns out what he was actually good at was ignoring transfer clauses, because as soon as Luis Suarez left the team everything went to hell. Rodgers spent a bunch of money on Southampton forwards and Mario Balotelli in an attempt to replace Bitey, and it went about as well as "using a bunch of Southampton forwards and Mario Balotelli to replace Luis Suarez" sounds like it would. Liverpool got pasted by Stoke today, and there's talk that Rodgers might get fired. This is why trying is for suckers.
4. Louis van Gaal, football genius
Sadly my favorite part of this didn't even come in the Premier League, but I'm putting it on the list anyway because who gives a shit? Anyone who watched the World Cup this summer got to listen to a lot of talk about how amazing Louis van Gaal was for bringing two goalkeepers with him to Brazil and playing a three-man backline just like Walter Mazzarri and countless others have done for decades. So it was really damn funny when this happened.
And then, in September, Leicester City did this.
United recovered, for the most part, and will be in the Champions League next season. But we'll always have Leicester.
3. The two days Tottenham fans thought they were better than Arsenal
Way back in February, Tottenham Hotspur beat Arsenal in a game. That happens from time to time, but whenever it does Spurs fans seem to lose their damn minds. That's especially common when said win leads to Spurs going ahead of Arsenal in the Premier League, which in this case it did. So you can guess what happened.
Of course, literally two days later Arsenal played Leicester City, beat them 2-1, and immediately turned over Tottenham's one point lead in the standings. Spurs promptly lost to Liverpool, drew against West Ham, and weren't heard from again. Arsenal wouldn't lose in the league again until May 11. I guess at least Spurs fans enjoyed that one weekend, though. You have to find silver linings, you know.
2. Steven Gerrard doesn't want to play against Manchester United after all
I hate to link to Deadspin in general, and their soccer content in particular, but they have a video of Steven Gerrard's last game against Manchester United. Don't worry, you can watch the whole thing without getting bored – he came on as a halftime substitute, and within a minute stomped on Ander Herrera's leg and was sent off. Sadly this was immediately before Liverpool played Arsenal, which meant Gerrard wasn't a part of the 4-1 drubbing at the Emirates. Enjoy Los Angeles.
1. Chelsea getting shook over being called "boring"
Chelsea won the league, and it was awful, since pretty much everything about Chelsea is the worst. Sadly four of the points they used to do the job came at the expense of Arsenal, but a beautiful thing happened during the dull-as-dishwater 0-0 draw at the Emirates in spring. The Arsenal fans chanted about Chelsea being "boring." It really just seemed like one of those things that fans chant at a team they don't like, rather than some kind of massive indictment of Chelsea. Like that would even matter – they'd win the league soon after that game, so why would they care whether it was interesting or entertaining?
Well, evidently they do! After the game John Terry, Jose Mourinho, and Roman Abramovich all commented on it. That makes some sense, since it had just happened. I wouldn't have done it, because I'd like to think I wouldn't care, but whatever. But then it kept happening. Mourinho kept talking about it, even the team's official Twitter (one of the worst in the league) got in on the action.
I'm not a psychology expert, but I know one thing – the more someone says they don't care about something, or that it doesn't bother them, the more likely it is they're lying. So thank you, Arsenal fans. Thank you for, at least a little bit, dampening the spirits of that pack of bastards. Cups last forever, but saltiness lasts even longer.
So yeah, that's my list. Don't agree with me? Think I left something out? Well, that's your own damn fault, you had an entire day to give me your picks. But feel free to vote in the meaningless poll down below, and leave any other #laffs from this season in the comments. Just make sure they're actually funny.