FanPost

Come On Y’All, Gooners Are NOT Goonies!

Please excuse this expository rant, but something MUST be said. The "much celebrated" Spielberg 80’s pop flick The Goonies turned thirty this summer. With rumors of a forthcoming sequel running rampant, this Arsenal fan thinks it’s high time to set the record straight. Gooners are NOT Goonies! That "movie" represents everything that’s wrong with the DREAMER GENERATION of the 80’s. It’s a subliminal smear on our otherwise immaculate Emirate ethos.

What’s so special about Goonies anyway? A rag tag bunch of kids go on an adventure that overcomes all odds: beating the corps, the bad guys, and the cool kids to discover pirate treasure and save their homes. Meh…that ain’t us. If anything, we're the cool kids! There’s no shame in it either, ‘cause in the real world IT’S ACTUALLY COOL TO BE COOL. The heartless corporation that wants to redevelop your home—definitely City. Respectable. ’Cause face it, in the real world the corps get what the corps want. And yes, CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE TOO. The so called "bad" guys, the Fratellis—that’s Chelsea, sans doubt. And even if sometimes the bad guys get busted, we know IT USUALLY PAYS TO BE BAD. It’s only a matter of time before they’re back to their same old shenanigans and their rightful spot on top.

The real losers in this world are the ones that—without interventionist #narrative engineering bordering on the supernatural—are DESTINED TO LOSE. It’s easy to envision the REALISTIC ending to the flick. The ending where: 1) Mikey spazzes out, inducing an asthma attack, 2) Mouth gets busted up by bullies for back talk, 3) Data presses the wrong button and blows himself up, 4) Andy sends Brand into the abyss cause she can’t read music despite years of expensive lessons, 5) Chunk isn’t nearly fast enough to escape the Fratellis and becomes one of ‘em, 6) Stef sticks with the cool kids, never joining the motely Goonies in the first place, and 7) Sloth independently uncovers the treasure but is too ugly to realize it’s worth anything.

Look dude. Even though yeah we love our Arsen-ine homonyms…don’t think for a second that just any will do. Just ‘cause Goonie sounds like Gooner, it ain’t a natural match. THINK MAN! If anything, Spurs are Goonies. Their whole existence is defined by a notional glory of beating the odds that, honestly, they’ll probably NEVER ACHIEVE AGAIN. That glory lives only in the minds of their fans. Y'ALL ARE DREAMIN'! "Never say die?" That’s some SPURSY GOONIE HOODOO if I’ve ever heard it. The only time you don’t say "die" is when death is imminent.

I’m the kind of guy that plays the odds. And it suits me well ‘cause I like winning and I like being cool. I’ll take three points over "glory or "style" any day--whatever those things mean! Goonies aren’t real, Gooners are! We know our place in the world—FOURTH!—and we like it. Eat your heart out Spurs. Here in the real world Gooners aren’t Goonies…we’re way, way better than those losers. SPURS CAN HAVE ALL THEY WANT OF THE "GOONIE" DREAM.

#CFCTakeover