EDITORS NOTE: This is the next in a series of several guest posts, written by all the awesome people who donated more than $100 to Thomas' fundraiser a few weeks back. Today's article is by CHVRICHES, a "Tottenham Hotspur fan" and "member" of Cartilage Free Captain.
Hello fellow Arsenal fans, let this article be a palate cleanser from the filth being posted on our fair website today. I come not to bury our beloved Arsenal City F.C., but rather lift it up, celebrate it as our noble warriors recently celebrated our momentous Community Shield triumph. I know what some of you must be thinking as you peek at my SBNation profile ("sure wish I knew how to read") but fear not: I am one of you. My extensive posting history at Cartilage Free Captain is merely a smokescreen to obscure my true purpose: a double agent in the vein of Cesc or Robert van Percy, courageously winning trophies for other teams, standing by for the call to smuggle such treasures home to rest proudly on the many secret bookcases deep in the heart of the Emirates.
Now that my bonafides have been established, allow me to tell you a little more about myself. None of this has anything to do with why I support the Emirates Soccer Team, but indulge me.
The early part of my life is a blur - to the point where I'm not even sure where I'm from. I've lived in the same area my whole life, I'm sure of it. But every so often my family will show me pictures of myself as a child in front of a house I don't remember, or discuss an event from my boyhood as having taken place in a different setting than the one I remember. This is very odd, but I've always known my home is my home - no matter what my family, official documents or recorded history says.
My grandpa is a businessman, he runs the local office for his company. The owner is a shady foreign entrepreneur - he's always in the news for swindling local taxpayers out of their money for a bogus development project - but he mostly leaves my grandpa alone to run things. Back around the turn of the century Gramps developed a brilliant corporate strategy to optimize business operations. Business was booming, and Gramps was treated like the genius I always knew he was. They even went one year without a single workplace accident, and brought in more profits than ever before! It's amazing what you can do when you ban drinking on the job. Sure, business isn't as good nowadays but it's good enough, and really, that's all that matters. Some of the company's board think my grandpa should retire when he turns 108 next May, but they're crazy. If an idea was good in 2003 it's still good 12 years later! Consistency should count for something, posting the same profits for a decade is cause for celebration, even if they're far off from previous highs.
I did okay in school, but I truly excelled at the social scene. I was always popular, and spent most of my time making sure I was in all the right photos and came correct. My hair took at least an hour every morning to get right, but it was easily the most important part of my success. To be honest, I didn't really care how I did in school as long as I looked good doing it. I got mostly Ds, but I preferred to think of it as coming in 4th - pretty good if you put it that way! The process is always more important than the outcome, as Gramps always says.
So! That's a bit about myself, just some background that in no way influenced my selection of Arsene United as my chosen club. As for that decision, I arrived there the same way as literally every one of you:
We were awesome in FIFA.
The Short Fuse has been taken over today by Cartilage Free Captain, SB Nation's Tottenham Hotspur blog! For the humor-impaired, articles posted today are intended to be parody and do not reflect the views (or even the writing!) of The Short Fuse writing staff.