Good morning, Gunnerville! It's another glorious day here on the "Red" side of London. So red, in fact, that I feel like I left my Xbox 360 on with WET in the disc tray and Ruby Malone is slashing everything. That's right: Ruby would beat the tar out of The Bride from Kill Bill. This is not up for debate, just like it's not up for debate that every stadium in the world should take after The Emirates.
One thing I was thinking about this morning while I was reading my 15 year old copy of Junior Gunners Newsletter telling me how I could be just like Junichi Inamoto and become the next big thing, I was thinking that maybe our mascot needs a little revamping. Don't get me wrong, Gunnersaurus was amazing to have! But then I looked at the other side of North London and realized that Chirpy is just terrifying. He's the kind of thing that tortures kids in their beds at night if they look at him for too long or if Sol Campbell said "Mayor" three times while looking in the mirror.
In short, how about this for a new logo?
All hail Chirpy! (Graphic credit: Earl of Shoop)
He's got that look in his dead eyes today like he's going to pull Alexis Sanchez into the basement of White Hart Lane and chain him up next to Emmanuel Adebayor and the forgotten corpse of Bongani Khumalo.
Now, let's get this show on the road. Maverick? Goose? You know what I need, right?
And now the "news"....
You know what? That's fine. Who really cares about making stupid amounts of money, right? It's not about money, it's about saving the money we already have instead of going out and buying Drogba, Benzema, Eto'o, Toure, Roberto Carlos, Zlatan, Ronaldo, Messi, and Di Maria! They're just money-grubbing blood suckers that would have never fit and we get to keep whatever coffers we have tucked away for future chances to put it back in the bank!
Speaking of guys that Arsenal should be buying, why hasn't Wegner tried to get this kid we keep hearing about, Campbell? Didn't he play for Lorient? Betis? Olympiacos? Villarreal? Wait...you mean Arsenal actually DO own him? Since when!?! Lies! Lies and slander!
Real Madrid is going after Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez - LiveSoccer TV
Pfft...you can't have him, Madrid. It will cost you Ronaldo, Benzema, AND Bale. And that's just the start! How about you hand over Isco while you're at it? He can be Ozil's personal baggage carrier on all flights. Benzema can go and pick up Giroud's dry cleaning while he sits on the bench, sipping a glass a wine. Ronaldo and Bale? Eh, let them have a slap fight with one another since apparently they hate each other's guts anyways.
Corinthians have named their price for Pato - Sambafoot
Who? Isn't he the guy who has rubber bands for knee ligaments? Maybe Theo Walcott can give him pointers on rehabilitation and he can turn into Theo Walcott 2.0! YES! GET IT DONE, ARSENE!
What!?! You would dare insult our hospitality of keeping the environment conducive for any and all activities by walking out? Frankly, I'm insulted. The Emirates is the most glorious ground there is and dumps all over your precious Allianz Arena, even though I'm pretty sure my eardrums would shatter the first time Lewandowski scored and you blast Seven Nation Army so loud that the International Space Station can hear it. We don't understand why you need things so loud!
....oh, you mean this is over away supporters ticket prices? Nothing to see here, people! Forget everything I said!
Arsenal need to pay Alexis 200k and set some real targets - Just Arsenal
Yeah! You tell them! In fact, let's just pay EVERYONE 200k! Ozil gets 200k! Giroud gets 200k! Arteta gets....well, maybe not everyone gets 200k....sorry, Mikel.
We end this special Cannon Fodder with one of my personal favorite moments. I mean, isn't it nice of Arsenal to allow Harry Kane to go to his true boyhood club so he can bang in goals against them? Right?
Welcome to the takeover!
The Short Fuse has been taken over today by Cartilage Free Captain, SB Nation's Tottenham Hotspur blog! For the humor-impaired, articles posted today are intended to be parody and do not reflect the views (or even the writing!) of The Short Fuse writing staff.