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Four players Arsenal need to win the Premier League

People ask me, who should Wenger buy? Well, I'll tell you.

Harry Engels

The summer transfer window closes in a few short days, and there are lots of questions surrounding what Arsenal might do. Will Arsene Wenger add to the four signings he's already made so far? Will he stand pat with what he has? Will he sell someone you're not expecting to see leave? Will an existing player be cloned to fill multiple positions (Calum Chambers, I'm looking at you)?

Well, if you ask me who Wenger should buy,

Ashley Williams

The footballer, obviously, not the actress nor the Systems Alliance soldier. He's captain of Swansea City and (for reasons that annoy me to this day) the Welsh national team, but at 30 years old he might be looking for a new challenge. And it would surely be challenging to displace either Per Mertesacker or Laurent Koscielny without the benefit of actually being particularly good, so hey, there you go!

Also, leadership. Or something.

Marouane Fellaini

For centuries, Arsenal has lacked steel in the midfield. Briefly we had some in the mid-80s, when Steve Burtenshaw signed a robot, but the FA declared him ineligible due to lack of sentience. I'm not sure how Fellaini is eligible under that ruling, but he's played a bunch in England so clearly they must have forgotten. His hair grows disturbingly quickly, and he has no idea where you're supposed to stand whilst playing soccer. These, and an ability to be tall and weigh a lot, are his prime positive qualities.

And probably leadership, or something.

Asmir Begovic

Begovic, or "Bergovick" as some call him, is really Bosnian but also kind of Canadian, which typically would immediately disqualify him. But since he chose to play for Bosnia and Herzegovina instead, so clearly he Knows How To Win and Has Desire. He also plays for Stoke right now, so he can work with Fellaini to teach everyone else how to kick the shit out of the opposition and not get penalized for it. He's also scored a goal, so it doesn't matter that we already have three goalkeepers. He'll just play striker.

He's played in a World Cup, so he'll add leadership as well.


Remember Michu? From 2012? Well, he's back. In Pog form. Anyway, we missed on having him for the year he was good because nobody had seen him before, maybe we'd get his weird bounceback year. We'd just have to trick UEFA into ignoring the fact that Napoli already got him.

I'm out of leadership jokes, so just pretend like I made one here.

So Arsene, let's go. Get your money out, buddy.