clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

A Suggestion of How to Solve Arsenal's Injury Crisis

Arsenal, of course, are always in an injury crisis. This is one solution.

Clive Brunskill

These are worrying times. A plague of illness and injury has surrounded London Colney, debilitating its inhabitants with the Influenza of the German and the buckled knee of the Frenchman. Arsenal's physicians, though my excellent colleagues, are seemingly at a loss of what to do next in order to stop this spate of malevolent illness. I however, have a suggestion, of which I subject the following most Humbly to Arsene Wenger.

Per Mertesacker, Mesut Özil and the Flu

We have seen how the German Influenza has affected the team. As we know, the flu is the result of an excess of behaviour that is phlegmatic. We also know that it is from the humours that are cold and moist, and thus, those suffering from the flu must spend the Winter months in a Hot and Dry climate, until Cured of all symptoms. After that, they never again be affected with such an Affliction.

Abou Diaby: Unbalanced Body

At present, Abou Diaby is recovering from the most devastating injury, the Frenchman's Buckled Knee. That, of course, is not the only disease that he has suffered from, and one could write a Medical Thesis on the patient and present it at Montpellier to the acclaim and wonder of all. My esteemed colleagues have reported that Diaby's body is "not in balance", and they are proven by the amount of injuries he has thus sustained. A body not in balance is the result of all of the humours not being in balance, and thus, the recommendation for Diaby is that he be purged of all excess Blood, Phlegm, Bile and other Expulsions from the Body until his body is back in balance, with express interest shown on the Fluids produced by the Liver, which is the Source of Life, and, if not in balance, the Cause of Bodily Disturbance. After that is done, he shall no longer suffer from the Frenchman's Buckled Knee, or any other Illness.

Jack Wilshere: Ankle Pain

This is a rather simple situation, and it shocks me that it has taken nearly three years for Jack Wilshere's Afflictions to be Treated. Quite simply, he suffers from pain in his Ankle. We must treat the pain, and the best way to do that is to prescribe Wilshere with laudanum. After such a treatment, he will no longer suffer from the pain, and will be back to being able to drive from midfield. We cannot, however, treat stupidity. That is not in the Physician's Realm.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: Groin

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain suffers from a stretched or pulled Groin, and the resultant pain. Unlike Wilshere, this is not a recurring injury, and can be treated as a One Time Visit. The pull or stretch of his Groin would be caused by Swelling in that area, which is only the result of Excess Blood in the groin. Thus, we must Bleed the Ox, after which the Swelling will subside, and he will be able to Run at full pace again.

These are just some topical suggestions for Arsenal Football Club, based on current issues. For a more detailed report, one would have to be Employed for the Duration of the season, but, having humbly made these suggestions, I hope to be able to spread my knowledge of the Medicine and Treat Arsenal's Injury Crisis as it happens.