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£88 Million, and Javi Martinez and Edinson Cavani Can Be Yours!

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Rumor has it that Bayern D-mid Javi Martinez and PSG striker Edinson Cavani are unhappy at their respective clubs. Spendy McWarchester knows what could deliver them to Arsenal.

Spendy sez: "Wait, can't I have both?"
Spendy sez: "Wait, can't I have both?"
Paul Gilham

The season of silly has officially started for Arsenal, even with a fairly big match 11 days away. It's clear that Arsenal could use help in the striker and defensive midfield positions -- we've all certainly had our fair share of debates this season on those topics. When the media somehow (cough, agents) get wind of (cough, their own imaginations) disgruntled players who don't feel they're getting the respect they deserve, stories materialize with destinations and price tags -- stories that get our new friend Spendy McWarchester to drop his bag of £s and bag of €s for a moment, in order to rub his crudely-drawn hands together Montgomery Burns-style.

Javi Martinez is unhappy at Bayern Munich. Well, given they're missing out on the Champions League Finals, depriving us of a chance to hear Gus Johnson gush about Arjen Robben for 90 minutes, it seems that everyone's unhappy at Bayern Munich these days. According to Soccerlens, "German newspaper Bild understands from a conversation with his counselor Margarita Garay" that a move could be on the horizon, and £35 million would allegedly land the 25-year-old, who might be the obligatory Bundesliga D-mid rumor now that the Daily Mail's already reporting that Lars Bender's going to resist Arsenal's overtures for a second straight year.

You know who else is unhappy? Edinson Cavani. He'd like to "Dare to Zlatan" more, but he doesn't get to with all the actual PSG starts that the actual Zlatan is getting. NBCSports.com, which should really know better, quoted something called Soccerly, which stated that for a mere £53M -- less than the dumptruck of money that PSG drove up to his house last year to pry him away from Napoli -- Cavani would willingly come to Arsenal. (One article actually says that he's not a Man City target due to FFP, LOLZ.)

Mcspenderton

SPENDY SEZ:

"THE CHANCE TO SPEND SO MUCH ON JUST TWO PLAYERS? FORSOOTH! IT IS A CAPITAL IDEATION! FOR A MAN WHO SAYS HE IS THE MOST GERMAN OF ALL SPANISH FOOTBALLERS, FIGHTING FOR MINUTES AGAINST SUNDRY GERMANS AND SLAVS? AND A URUGUAYAN NOT NAMED LUIS SUAREZ, WITH A SOUL PATCH AND LOCKS THAT THE LADIES FINDETH DESIROUS? I DECREE: MAKETH WITH THE RAIN!"