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The moments following the final whistle

You'll never guess what happened

Paul Gilham

After Martin Atkinson blew the final whistle, Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger refused to shake hands and instead walked down the tunnel without acknowledging each other.  What we haven't known is what happened in the tunnel, away from the TV cameras' scope.

Until now...



Arsene Wenger WHAT?!?


Arsene Wenger It was a spur-of-the moment thing.  I didn't realize it'd make you upset.

Arsene Wenger Of course I'm upset!  That wasn't in the script!  You can't improvise, that's how we get in trouble!  I also looked like a fool because you caught me off-guard with that shove!

Arsene Wenger Trouble, you say?

Arsene Wenger Yes, trouble, Arsene!

Arsene Wenger Greg Dyke, we know him, right?  Chairman of The FA?  He's going to shit once he sees this.  He specifically wrote in the script for the match today that we were to confront each other after a rash challenge on Alexis but to refrain from any physical contact.

Arsene Wenger While it looks good to fans and the ever-important 18-35 demographic the league is trying to capture as its own that we're taking this "feud" to another level by physically fighting, sponsors get pissed when they see this sort of thing.  And you, of all people, know it.

Arsene Wenger I can't lose my job as Chelsea manager a second time. The allusion that Roman and I agreed for me to leave by mutual consent looks good to the public, but I was actually fired.

Arsene Wenger The FA didn't write the script out for me to create as much disharmony as I did back then.  Said the brand was too strong at the time for it to look like a sinking ship within.  Gone in a flash, I was.  Banished.

Arsene Wenger I'm not going to let those mistakes repeat itself again, Arsene.

Arsene Wenger I--I'm sorry, Jose.  I didn't mean to cause you any trouble.

Arsene Wenger /slowly lowers his head, turns, and begins to walk away

Arsene Wenger ...Arsene!  Wait!

Arsene Wenger /stops and looks back at Jose

Arsene Wenger ...Wait.  I'm sorry, too.  I'm sorry for being harsh.

Arsene Wenger /grabs a nearby foot stool and walks over to Arsene, sets the stool down right in front of him and stands on it to get better eye contact

Arsene Wenger Listen, I--I need to tell you something.

Arsene Wenger Yes?

Arsene Wenger Yes.  While working alongside you all these years, I've realized that you give me feelings that I don't get with other managers.

Arsene Wenger Oh?

Arsene Wenger Yeah, like really strong feelings.

Arsene Wenger /puts his hands on Arsene's waist and slowly starts to move them up and down his side

Arsene Wenger I didn't know that, Jose.  But you know I have a wife, right?  That I love her, yeah?

Arsene Wenger I know, and I'm not trying to break the two of you up.  All I want to do is let you know how much you mean to me.

Arsene Wenger I sit up awake throughout the night thinking about you, wondering what you're doing.  I followed your travels and travails in Brazil this summer more than anyone else.

Arsene Wenger You have a wife, too, yes?  What's she say about it?

Arsene Wenger I couldn't possibly tell her about this.  She would be devastated.

Arsene Wenger Listen, Mou, I don't know what to tell you -

Arsene Wenger Say nothing!  And please, don't call me "Mou."  That's what my friends call me.  You can call me...

Arsene Wenger Your Boo.

Arsene Wenger /begins to gently tongue-kiss Arsene

Arsene Wenger /thinking to himself

Arsene Wenger Eh...screw it, why not

Arsene Wenger Arsene Wenger /furiously kisses Jose back and the two embrace each other for a long time in the dark hallways under Stamford Bridge