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What the confirmed Chelsea bid for Wayne Rooney means for everyone

What does this flurry of activity and rumours mean for all clubs affected?

"Don't slip on that oily money!"
"Don't slip on that oily money!"
Antoine Antoniol

First off: we can safely assume that either every journalist in the UK is doing Manchester United's dirty work in trying to manipulate and exaggerate their ever-decreasing position in the transfer market, or we can assume that every journalist who reported, initially, that the Chelsea bid for Rooney was £10 million plus either Juan Mata or David Luiz and was soundly rejected by United should be fired from their positions immediately. One of those two scenarios is the case, because there's really no other explanation for the ludicrous breaking news that seeped out this morning.

That said, the actual, factual bid, confirmed by none other than Chelsea themselves while simultaneously doing damage control with Mata and Luiz, along with the confirmed bid by Arsenal for Luis Suarez, indicates that clubs are working hard to grab a slice of the striker transfer market before they're left with no one to speak for. So what's this mean for all clubs?

For this exercise, let's work with two assumptions rooted in facts. Let's assume that Chelsea land Rooney. This doesn't mean much for United right now, since they're good and set with Old Graying Bastard for another year or two. And let's assume that, yes, Arsenal land Suarez. Considering they're apparently willing to go to a higher transfer fee than what's been indicated with the Higuain negotiations tells me Arsene Wenger rates Suarez higher. Liverpool would need a forward to replace Suarez, but seeing them fail to land Henrikh Mkhitaryan due to their lack of Champions League football (or any in Europe, for that matter) means, to me, that they're not in a position to replace Suarez with one of the many rumored forwards out on the market.

Let's take this a step further. With Luis Suarez off the market, this means Real Madrid's quandary is trying to convince Gonzalo Higuain to stay while also dying to spend money in this market. In their eyes, it's a near war crime for them to not spend money while other clubs splash the cash, and with Edinson Cavani now off to PSG, this means that Zlatan Ibrahimovic is due to move away since he's always good for a transfer every 12-18 months of his career. A reunion, of sorts, between Ibrahimovic and new Madrid manager Carlo Ancelotti seems likely, but I wouldn't discount Manchester City showing up late to the party, drunk and disorderly, and offering £120 million and trying to steal everyone's girlfriend.

Now, what to do with Higuain? He seems like the odd man out, a man who's both wanted and unwanted. He seems like a great guy; at least, he seems like a great guy who doesn't have too many skeletons or dead prostitutes in his closet. Yet here he is, a man stuck between clubs and yet told he has no option but to stay at a place he's very publicly tried to escape from. Well, there's the news that Napoli's got interest in him, and if Napoli are willing to meet Madrid's valuation then that frees up some money for Madrid to sign their targets. Namely, Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

So, in the end, deck chairs will be shuffled, but in the end I think every club in the market ends up with a striker. Here's the predictions:

Arsenal: Luis Suarez

Chelsea: Wayne Rooney

PSG: Edinson Cavani (already confirmed)

Madrid: Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Napoli: Gonzalo Higuain

Tottenham: LOL