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A Lovecraftian look at the 2013 manager merry-go-round

This is what could happen, in a universe where the gods hate us and exist only to foment unrest and torture. Look upon it, and despair.

for the night is dark, and full of terrors
for the night is dark, and full of terrors
Scott Heavey

With Sir Alex Ferguson retiring from Manchester United (it appears), Rafa Benitez unlikely to stay at Chelsea after this year (we assume), Pep Guardiola taking over at Bayern Munich (officially), and rumors that Arsene Wenger might leave Arsenal (this one won't happen), it appears that there could be some blockbuster managerial changes this summer. If you add manager drama to the player drama that we all have to go through every summer anyway, 2013 promises to be horrifying in terms of soccer media. Basically this is going to be like the third year of everyone's Football Manager saves.

Which got me thinking. What's the worst case scenario for what could happen? What's the endgame to the game of musical benches that would most make me question my will to live in a world that's clearly based on horror incomprehensible to even the greatest of human minds? Well, luckily mine is the greatest of human minds, so I can at least take a stab at peering into the abyss and deciphering the hellish portents that stare back.

  • Arsene Wenger leaves Arsenal for PSG. Yeah, yeah, Arsenal are now suddenly flush with cash. Big deal. Wenger's tired of having to pinch pennies and then hear about how he doesn't know what he's doing when his players suddenly disappear into a cloud of vapor. At Paris Saint-Germain, Wenger arms himself with cannons filled with oil-soaked cash and just goes to town. On July 31st half the players in the world are on PSG's payroll, and 90% of them are injured. He hires Thierry Henry as assistant manager because screw you.
  • Rafa Benitez hired as full manager for Chelsea, also given director of football post and stadium naming rights. All four stands are named after Benitez, and the team is renamed "Rafa FC." In response, Frank Lampard mumbles something through a mouthful of cake and John Terry falls down.
  • Bill Simmons takes over Tottenham Hotspur. According to his own research, Simmons is probably the first American manager in British soccer. He's been a big fan of the Hotspurs since 2006, when the team was founded. His first action as manager is to move the team to Boston and buy Manny Ramirez to play in defense.
  • Harry Redknapp leaves Queens Park Rangers for Manchester United. He's taken down Portsmouth. He's taking down QPR. Now, Harry Redknapp takes on his greatest challenge yet: trying to get one of the biggest clubs in the sport relegated. His first step: signing his dog Rosie as goalkeeper, to wear the number 47 shirt. She's not very good.
  • Piers Morgan to Arsenal. Danawent as director of football. You knew it was coming to this. The greatest horror of all. The worst person on Twitter (Non-Darren Rovell-or-Donald Trump division) rises to take his throne of dirt, as the world collapses around us. Popular Internet commenter Danawent is installed as director of football after submitting his last Football Manager game to the Arsenal board. Morgan immediately gives the whole team a £200k/week raise, and Danawent signs something called "PEE PEE RAINER" for £35million.
It's the end of the world.