The Walking Robin van Persie, Part IV, The Finale

When we last left Robin van Persie, a former teammate and costumed dinosaur mascot were found to be afflicted with the same illness those close to him are suffering from. When seemingly out of options, he ran into the one person who could maybe - just maybe - help him make sense of what's going on.

......

Hello, Robin. It is so very nice to see you, again.

Hey, Mr. Former Boss! I'm so glad to see you!

Oh now, really. But I thought you disagreed with how the club was run? How I managed the squad. Curious why it is now, an hour before kickoff, that you want to see me of all people?

You and I both know that was agent-speak. Also, I'm about to lift a trophy in a couple weeks' time, which means that I wasn't too far off-base.

Of course not, just like Nasri leaving and winning a league title their first season away, you've done the same thing and it's not to be forgotten. You should be congratulated for your accomplishment, which we intend to do with the Guard of Honor for you and your teammates here in a little bit. But you look desperate now. Tell me, what seems to be graying your hair?

This...this is going to sound crazy. Like, cray cray. Hear me out, though. Listen, Mr. Former Boss, it's everyone around me these past few days. People seem...they seem to be telling me how good they are at different things, especially FIFA video games.

Hmmm, that sounds peculiar.

Whether it's Andy Goldstein, my wife and son, Gunnersaurus or Andrei Arshavin, people just can't seem to stop telling me how good they are at them! My wife is a very humble person, and she prattled about her cooking technique like she's Gordon Ramsey; my son's trying to one-up Ryan Giggs' kid at everything in life, which means he'll turn out to be immoral and a philanderer. He's six and he told me he wanted David Gill's job. All because he played a video game! The world's gone mad; WHAT IS GOING ON?

Oh my. This sounds bad, Robin. Very bad. Removing all of the ill-will we hold towards each other for a moment, I wish I could tell you what to do. But this sounds serious, I can't speak for what it is and I simply, simply don't know how to stop it.

Great, just lovely. This is how it's all going to --

-- But I can tell you how the decision to sell you came down, from our end, last summer. You see, your infamous statement wasn't needed. All those words in your press release were to ensure you were hated within these walls and confines for eternity. That you were just a greedy, spoiled child who ended up biting the hand who fed you one too many times. But we already knew that. You know how?

How...?

Because I turned on FIFA 12 on the Playstations and started up a career mode. The very first thing I tried to do was extend your contract, but you refused. You said something on FIFA 12 that amounted to "make the club more competitive and I'll consider," so I went out and bought a great striker who had great finishing and acceleration, since we all know those traits in the game translate to real life. But no, that wasn't good enough for you in FIFA 12. And you know how I knew it wasn't good enough? The game told me Manchester City was in on your services. Turns out, you were nothing but a money-grubbing idiot. I offered you £150k/week, but you refused! How silly of me to think you would stick around when you instructed your agent in FIFA 12 to go out and find you a club willing to overpay for a forward on an 18-month purple patch! Silly me. Annie called me up from the basement, since she could hear water bottles being kicked about, and it was then when the decision was made. Sold, you were going to be in the Summer of 2012, no matter what decision you were going to make.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU'RE AFFLICTED, TOO!

(runs into the away side's changing room, scared and breathless)

Where...where is everybody? Hello? Anybody here? I'm officially scared, now. Dammit, where's my headphones! This is NOT the place I want to be and I need my comforting headphones! ♪♫ Something, something, lee-dee-dah...♪♫

...

Hello, friend. Your team is not here. It's just you and me in here. Just you...and me.

Who are you? What do you want? What do you want from me?

I, uh, want to be a good person. And stuff. Someone people look at and say "Dadgumit, there goes an honorable MAN!" But then I get this urge, this internal fighting deep within my soul, to be someone I'm not. I cannot control this urge, this desire to be peaceful. And when the evil part of me shows up, people get hurt.

Is this the good silhouette I'm talking to...or the evil silhouette?

Uh, what day is it again? My phone died and I don't wear a watch anymore.

Sunday. Sunday the 28th of April.

Oh, hmmm. Let me do the calculations in my head real quick. Ummm, well I hate to tell you this, but it's evil silhouette time. I should have played, but no! I successfully avoided this situation in FIFA 13, but for once the video games didn't mimic reality and now I'm stuck. STUCK, I TELL YOU! Now it's you...and me. Now you're going to finally get some answers you've been wishing for.

(steps out from darkness)

!!!

OOOW! You bit me, you child! You moronic toddler! What's wrong with you? Were you not hugged enough as a kid?

Wait, something's happening. Something feels...different.

Good, the bite was effective. You're now one of us. Come, embrace the other side.

I...it's tickling my toes...AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I'm starting to become...all of you people!!!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

Tell me, Robin, what's the first thing that comes to your mind now?

HALLO HALLO MISTER CROAKEE YOU CANT BE SEAREOUS WITH YOUR MOOVES I ONCE PLAYED FIFA 13 AND WE NEVAR LOST A MATCH WITH THE TRANSFURS I MADE AND GODDAMMIT WE SPENT ALL TEH MONIES TO MAKE ARSHUNAL TEH BEST CLUB EVAR HELLO HELLO MR GAZEEDIS AND MISTER WAGNER IF WE WOULD HAVE JUST FOLLOWED VAN PURSEEWENT WED HAVE TRUMPETED MAN CHESTER UNTIED BUT OF COARSE YOU SOLD THAT ONE DUTCH GUY WHO SKORED ALL TEH GOALS BECAUSE ALL YOU KARE ABOUT IS MONIES BUT LET ME TELL YOU ANYTHING IS POSHIBLE KEVIN GARMET BECUSE I BOUGHT MESSY AND ROWNALDO AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD AIM FOR THE KLOUDS AND NOT THE TREETOPS LIKE TIM PAYTON THINK U DO ON THE TWITTER MACHEEN IF YOU HAD APPOINTED VAN PURSEEWENT WE WOULDA BE WINNARS AND KNOT LOSURS ANYWAY HELLO HELLO MR CROAKEE AND MR YOUSMANOFF SINE VANPURSEEWENT STOP THE ROT

(thirty minutes later)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Emirates Stadium! The lineups...

...MISTER MATCH OFFICSHUL DONT YOU KNOW ABOUT FIFA 13 MARK CLATTERBURG IS IN THERE EVEN THOU HIS NAME ISNT AND HE HOLDS THE BALL DIFFERNTLY IN PREMATCH HAND SHAKE YOU ARENT TRUELY A GOOD MATCH OFFICSHUL UNLESS YOU HOLD IT LIKE THIS HERE LET ME SHOW YOU AND THEN THERE WAS THIS OTHER TIME WHEN I PLAYED FOOTBALL MANAGER AND...