The Walking Robin van Persie, Part III

When we last left Robin, he was starting to get physically-ill over the changes of people close to him. Now it's Sunday, and he's with the rest of his United teammates as they drive in their charter bus to Emirates Stadium.

......

♪♫ It's all good, it's all right, 'cause I got my headphones on. And I make up songs, like this one here, and say dope things like jah mon ♪♫

(bobs head back and forth, practices his mean mug in his front camera of his iPhone)

It was a pleasure driving you today. Good luck, and I hope you enjoyed the lasagna.

NOM NOM NOM

OK, just keep your head down as you walk in, smile back when someone smiles towards me, and just mind my business. This will all be over soon, and like the boss told me, when things start getting too tough to handle, put the headphones on and disappear in my own little world.

(deep breath in, then exhales)

♪♫ It's all good, it's all right, cause I got my headphones on....♪♫

Welcome back, Robin. Welcome back, my long-lost friend. I miss shaking your hand each week as you enter the grounds, but I know you are happy and that warms my heart.

Oh, uh, yeah it's nice to see you again.

(quickly shakes hands, keeps head down, takes another step forward)

Hey, Robin.

Hey Gunnersaur--wait, you talk?

Yeah, sometimes. Only for special occasions, and, well, having you back here is pretty special.

Thanks.

Also, while I know things might have been a bit sour with your departure from the club, I just wanted to tell you that I think you handled the split like a true professional. As you know, I normally just smile, bounce around on my tiny legs and generally scare small children, but having you back and for all that you did for the club was something that I had to break from character to tell you.

Wow, thanks. You really mean that?

Yeah.

Aww, thanks, that really means--

-- Because the way you left the club is exactly how it went down when I played FIFA 12. I started up a career mode and while trying to secure Karim Benzema to pair you alongside him, you up and put in a transfer notice. But it was cool, kid, because we were on the same level and management totally had our backs since we both needed a split in order to advance our careers. I'm telling you, Robin, some days I wish Gazidis would sit down with me and talk about the direction of the club. He needs to get on my level, kid.

No! No, no no!

(turns around)

Get this, Robin, one minute my name is Andrei Arshavin. And the next, I'm...

Igor Barovski, a spy wanting to sex up Keri Russell's character in "The Americans."

I see...

Oh, and also, I meant to tell you I tried to sign Donkey Kong on FIFA 13, but he was nowhere to be found. I ended up eating a ham sandwich and a stick of glue, thought about that one time Yuri Morozov tried to sign a silverback gorilla as a center back for Zenit back when I was just a young spy in training. Then I turned on the Xbox, created Donkey Kong in FIFA 13, gave him a blue mohawk and some wristbands and we ended up going undefeated. Something about getting on a level, kid, but I forgot since my fake mustache is pretty itchy.

(Robin runs very fast in the other direction, turns the corner)

Hello, Robin. It is so very nice to see you, again....

(to be continued)