The Walking Robin van Persie, Part II

When we last left Robin, he was wrapping up a strange interview on the phone with man who's changed since he last talked to him. He's a bit curious how that conversation ended the way it did.

......

OK, that was strange. I've done many interviews with Andy throughout the years and something, some thing, just seemed a bit off with him. Oh well. I wonder what Bouchra is making for dinner downstairs.

(goes downstairs)

Hey, honey. How was your interview with Andy?

Guh. Don't ask. I think he's coming down with an illness. Perhaps he's got that new strand of bird flu; he wasn't himself. Started talking about video games and how good he is at them.

That's odd.

Hey, Dad.

Slugger! High-five! How was your day today?

Good. I played at the playground with Giggs' kids; the oldest one kissed three different girls on the playground in 30 minutes - all without them knowing about the others.

Oh, uh. Hmmm. I'll talk to your mom about those future play-dates with his kids. Um, anything else fun you did today?

Not much. Just came home, took a nap, ate some chicken nuggets.

Fun.

And then after lunch and nap time, I fired up the Playstation and turned on FIFA 13. The oldest Giggs boy was telling me how good he was at UT and how his team is better than mine. But he doesn't know the team, kid. Get on my level for a minute, dad.

What?

The very first thing was I sold his dad because he has an exceeding amount of grey hair for someone of his youthful age, which is a sign of being washed-up and useless.

That doesn't mean anythi--

And the very first thing I did was buy Mario Goetze, because he seems like the type of player you are, Dad. Good, amazing on the ball, positional flexibility and no loyalty which means he signed the first time I showed him a contract that was a pound more than he was making at Dortmund. Immediately the midfield was upgraded. I know I'm just a tyke, but the Glazers should really consider these two moves if United are to get past the knockout stages of the Champions League next season. Sure, Goetze just signed with Munich, but in FIFA 13 you can work around these sort of things. Can you put a word in for me? I know this team. I could be, like, the management version of "Rookie of the Year."

The hell?

(turns around, bewildered)

You don't look so great. Are you feeling OK? Maybe you should have something to eat. I made a lovely dinner for us.

Yes, dinner sounds great. Anything to help my head. What'd you make?

Chicken Marsala covered in Gerber carrots, biscuits and gravy, turducken and some beer doughnuts. For dessert, I made Frank's Hot Sauce banana pudding.

What the f*ck?

See, I'm glad you agree. I submitted my application to "Hell's Kitchen," but it turns out they don't know what cooking truly is. I watched "Chopped" a few times, reviewed a bunch of recipes on allrecipes.com - I gave them all 1's because they're not on my level - and then I fired up Shaqueel's video game thing, put in Personal Trainer: Cooking and won it in 20 minutes by making the best dishes like the one above and then wrote the publisher and told them they need stronger challenges for such culinary geniuses like me. I'm still waiting, but I'm sure they're going to see my accomplishments and rename it "Bouchra van Persie Owns at Cooking Games."

I...I'm starting to...light-headed. Must...sit down.

(to be continued)