clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Walking Robin van Persie, Part II

Robin's strange week continues as he tries to make sense of this ever-concerning reality he's facing

Alex Livesey

When we last left Robin, he was wrapping up a strange interview on the phone with man who's changed since he last talked to him. He's a bit curious how that conversation ended the way it did.


517934c2b1868_medium_medium OK, that was strange. I've done many interviews with Andy throughout the years and something, some thing, just seemed a bit off with him. Oh well. I wonder what Bouchra is making for dinner downstairs.

(goes downstairs)

517962e8e354b_medium Hey, honey. How was your interview with Andy?

517934c2b1868_medium_medium Guh. Don't ask. I think he's coming down with an illness. Perhaps he's got that new strand of bird flu; he wasn't himself. Started talking about video games and how good he is at them.

517962e8e354b_medium That's odd.

517963f0914ed_medium Hey, Dad.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium Slugger! High-five! How was your day today?

517963f0914ed_medium Good. I played at the playground with Giggs' kids; the oldest one kissed three different girls on the playground in 30 minutes - all without them knowing about the others.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium Oh, uh. Hmmm. I'll talk to your mom about those future play-dates with his kids. Um, anything else fun you did today?

517963f0914ed_medium Not much. Just came home, took a nap, ate some chicken nuggets.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium Fun.

517963f0914ed_medium And then after lunch and nap time, I fired up the Playstation and turned on FIFA 13. The oldest Giggs boy was telling me how good he was at UT and how his team is better than mine. But he doesn't know the team, kid. Get on my level for a minute, dad.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium What?

517963f0914ed_medium The very first thing was I sold his dad because he has an exceeding amount of grey hair for someone of his youthful age, which is a sign of being washed-up and useless.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium That doesn't mean anythi--

517963f0914ed_medium And the very first thing I did was buy Mario Goetze, because he seems like the type of player you are, Dad. Good, amazing on the ball, positional flexibility and no loyalty which means he signed the first time I showed him a contract that was a pound more than he was making at Dortmund. Immediately the midfield was upgraded. I know I'm just a tyke, but the Glazers should really consider these two moves if United are to get past the knockout stages of the Champions League next season. Sure, Goetze just signed with Munich, but in FIFA 13 you can work around these sort of things. Can you put a word in for me? I know this team. I could be, like, the management version of "Rookie of the Year."

517934c2b1868_medium_medium The hell?

(turns around, bewildered)

517962e8e354b_medium You don't look so great. Are you feeling OK? Maybe you should have something to eat. I made a lovely dinner for us.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium Yes, dinner sounds great. Anything to help my head. What'd you make?

517962e8e354b_medium Chicken Marsala covered in Gerber carrots, biscuits and gravy, turducken and some beer doughnuts. For dessert, I made Frank's Hot Sauce banana pudding.

517934c2b1868_medium_medium What the f*ck?

517962e8e354b_medium See, I'm glad you agree. I submitted my application to "Hell's Kitchen," but it turns out they don't know what cooking truly is. I watched "Chopped" a few times, reviewed a bunch of recipes on - I gave them all 1's because they're not on my level - and then I fired up Shaqueel's video game thing, put in Personal Trainer: Cooking and won it in 20 minutes by making the best dishes like the one above and then wrote the publisher and told them they need stronger challenges for such culinary geniuses like me. I'm still waiting, but I'm sure they're going to see my accomplishments and rename it "Bouchra van Persie Owns at Cooking Games."

517934c2b1868_medium_medium I...I'm starting to...light-headed. Must...sit down.

(to be continued)