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Arsenal v. Everton: Match Report

A hard-fought match, complete with rough tackles and near-misses, saw Arsenal and Everton play to a 0-0 today

Michael Regan

Apologies for the delay in getting the report out; life sometimes gives you unexpected twists and turns and it's in how you handle them, as well as reaching out to those you know best, to turn those lemons into lemonade. While I was able to catch the match today, a good friend of mine saw it up close and personal. Once he found out I was in a bit of a pickle, he was gracious enough to take the time out of his day to file his thoughts for The Short Fuse. Below is his report:

Hello please do zee listen everybody! Zee Fantastic here, writing on color type machine thing as I fly back to home zhat ees zee biggest and made of finest space rock. I not want to hit keyboard lot of times, because I spend match after time usually in bottle and with Uzbekistan's finest professional ladies, but zhis one guy keep doing zee pester pester on email program and tell me he too drunk to write about zee match today. So I say OK fine you win clown.

So I arrive in private suite with just enough time to do zee spare tonight. Zhis guy in suit from what do you call it Warehouse Men name Lee always stand at door to suite and ask to see my ID. My smile picture on door and on door it say Zee Fantastic Suite Number One In World and Lover of All Ladies No Discriminate. Why he do it time again I do not know otherwise I would not do zee ask of rhetorical question, but my guess of best ees he do zhis because he ees massive pain in zee asshole area, and why he always smile and say credential ees because he probably ees Asshole Stan's little beligerent offspring. No other reason, zeethinks. So today, I take big hand and place on his face and push him aside like zhose Famous Dave's garbage pail platters zhat hold my three All-American Feasts.

Just as I sit on my chairs and spread out sausage legs above zee poor people below, whistle blow and Everton start to kick Arsenal like I do prospective seller of raw good business things. They kick our left leg, they kick our right leg, and they kick our face and make eyes go cross and laugh at us on the pitch. Zhis make Zee Fantastic so upset. Zhen that sexy hot Frenchie take cross from someone who cannot do zee remember because big ass turkey leg blocked side vision and he make his shot go wide even though keeper was off to side probably reading comics section of paper and not close to net doing keeper stuff.

Before long I realize zhat zee money I give before match to official was not enough since either he mad he saw I wrap 100 pound note with Monopoly money (hehe I so sneaky like bushy lip asshole supermarket man), or he must got broke whistle because big hair guy for blue team keep hitting turbo on his controller and running wildly into future captain Jack Wilshere. And what do ref do? Nothing. He stand zhere on pitch and hold hands out like he want someone to pull his finger. After couple times of hold hand and arm out trying to make his tummy feel better, I pull own finger and lift leg and hope zhat help him make correct call. It turn out it was zee too late because he clearly miss Darron Gibson rugby tackle Theo Walcott for what should be his second yellow and then zhat would zhen mean hot sexy goal scoring time for best club ever Arsenal. But no! He make up call on Steven Pienaar one minute later because Per Mertesacker finally go over and pull all ten of his fingers.

Halftime. I run out and order left side of menu and eat it while sending message to changing room zhat I had best assistant ever place livestock hand buzzer for team to wear in hand for second half. Try tackle hard and offer hand up now, blue team!

Second half was kinda blurry since I open bottles of wine while doing and comsuming recreational drugs. Not smart, but neither ees letting me have so much money in first place. However, it was more of same zhing. It look like Jack was slow to do zee get up from ground after getting club in back of head with stick from Leighton Baines; eventually Arsene Wenger sub him out so he have time to go get bigger stick to swing in car park after match. Apparently Jack needed help to find stick because he got teammate Theo to join in search with him. On came Lukas Podolski and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. No matter still, Frenchie McNogoal still miss goal many time. However, he love good wine and so I forgive him since he host next wine club and I'll help self to some of his cellar when he in other room taking poop.

It was a long day and next thing I know janitor wake me up by lifting arm up and say "One" and let it drop and lift again and say "Two" and let it drop and lift again and say "Thr--" but I keep arm in air because no one beat Zee Fantastic. I lift head off concrete and stadium empty. Zhis usually happen most match and janitor get kicks of big from doing zhis. In turn I rub his belly as he kick leg in enjoy and I give him tip and get rest of match highlight from assistant who have iPad ready for me. It turn out I did not do zee missing of much because we create chance up until time to kick ball in net and something happen to mess it up. Like Oxlade-Chamberlain doing zee pass to Giroud who was in position and zhen guy name Coleman for blue team come up and take ball away. Zhings like zhat.

In end, Arsenal draw because God who loves all zhings nice and soft hate all zhings nice and soft today. But 3rd place ees still ours, so suck it Roman!!21!!!1``@!!! So here I write zhis stupid report for some asshole in United States while in custom plane machine thing. He better send me 24 air sealed Baconators as promise and agree in exchange for zhis.