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Greetings, and welcome to EPL University!

Graduate Seminar on Hairdrying Technique.
Graduate Seminar on Hairdrying Technique.

On behalf of the President, the Board of Trustees, the Faculty and Staff of EPL University, I'd like to you welcome you, the class of 2016, to the 22nd Annual Student Convocation. Soon you will be walking through the hallowed corridors of power, negotiating your very own television rights deals and designing cool patches to put on the sleeves of all the kits that we use, but for now, let's take a moment to page through the course catalog and take a look at all of the wonderful elective opportunities that await you at the registration tables. Just don't be late to sign up, and only do it on one foot, or Phil Dowd will have to send you off! Haha; just kidding, Phil! Phil's a wonderful guy, everyone; don't let Howard tell you otherwise. Anyway: let's have a look at some of the offerings this fall!

Advanced Aerodynamics - Prof. Gervinho

Gervinho's a relatively new faculty member, who previously taught in France, but you'll quickly get used to his idiosyncratic style and his steadiness in the face of pressure. We like to joke that he's brilliant, but can only get through 3/4 of his course before the semester ends, and that his lectures seem to be leading somewhere spectacular only to sort of fail to come together in the end somehow, but we're sure his tenure committee is on top of things.

Managerial I - Prof. Roy Keane

One of the most brilliant students we've ever had. Do not question him in class.

Macroeconomics II - Prof. Arsene Wenger

Ten years ago, everyone was buying Prof. Wenger's books. He's slowed down a little bit in his later tenure, but all cautious students who are interested in theories of maximizing return on investment and hedging risk in an increasingly uncertain and multifarious global economy might be interested to at least audit Prof. Wenger's class.

Managerial Ethics - Andre Villas-Boas

AVB is one of our more gifted PhD candidates. He has a firm grasp of the ins and outs of finer points of Kantian Ethics and Eastern philosophy. We also like to say that his suits are the best on campus, but seriously, when you've had Tony Pulis on the faculty for as long as we have, you could pretty much show up in an actual baby-sized onesie everyday with chocolate ice cream on it and you'd be in the rarified air of "best dressed" around here.

Modern Dance II - Per Mertesacker

Students will learn basic dance move, as well as a study in the history of interpretative dance that traces back to when Earth's inhabitants danced like extinct monsters to capture their targeted partner's attention. Quickness isn't necessary, but the ability to venture outside of one's comfort level is required.

Pre-Requisite: On-Pitch Camping, Offside Traps, Back Four Awareness

(He may not look like a dancer, but then, Karl Marx didn't exactly look like a man whose ideas would basically dictate the course of geopolitical tension for 150 years, did he?)

Existentialism and the Human Condition - Prof. Joseph Barton Joleon Lescott

Hey, even Spinoza liked a good scrap. Barton is on leave in France, though, researching the personal letters of Jean-Paul Sartre, though, so you'll be stuck with Joleon Lescott for this one.

Driver's Education - Prof. Andre Santos, team teaching with Prof. Emeritus Tony Adams

We couldn't persuade Nicklas Bendtner to stay and not leave for Torino Politecnico, but Santos and Adams bring both the cutting-edge and the long-tenured to the discussion, and we feel confident that those who choose to get behind the wheel with these two are really going to be going places with their career. One of our most popular classes with a rich heritage of scholarship featuring such names as David Beckham, Barry Bannan, Paul Gascoigne, Mario Balotelli, Paul Merson, and Jermaine Pennant.

Intro to Human Sexuality - Profs. Ray Hudson and Gary Neville

The less I say about this one, the bet--auuuuadhaeAHHHHHHHHHHHHUOOHHHHHHHHH,

*ahem* sorry.

Writing and Rhetoric I - Emmanuel Frimpong

I have only one..."word"?...for you: DENNNCHHHHH

French Language and Culture - Prof. Harry Redknapp

One of our more popular offerings, but only if you like class coming to you through a moving car window. Explore the nuances of one of Europe's oldest and most successful civilizations with a man who's read Voltaire extensively in late-night sessions with Benoit Assou-Ekotto.

Mediation and Non-Violent Conflict Resolution - Profs. Ryan Shawcross and Pepe

Haha...just kidding...the Vice Provost wanted me to put this one in there as a joke. There is no freaking way we would ever hire these two clowns to teach anything, unless we start offering a class in Collision Physics.

No freakin' way.

Anyway, that's but a small offering of the paths that lay open to you here at EPL University. We hope you get off to a wonderful start in your first few days, and remember, if you see any of us around campus and have a question, be sure to run towards us screaming and pointing accusitorily, getting your friends to surround us as well, until your demands have been met. Enjoy!

[All the masthead contributed to this one, folks.]