My name is Alisher Zee Fantastic. Some may know me as great iron business ruler, and some may know me as great natural gas business ruler. I like all zee tiles, but what really strokes my chin hair is zee title of Magnificent Ruler of Great Arsenal. I have confession to make. Last night was zee worst. I was in zee middle of building spectacular plane ship that will send zee best Russian spaceman and monkey to zee core of zee Sun when I was notified of zee most disastrous result versus Wigan. I shook my great fist, zee fist that rule over great iron empire, great metal empire and great natural gas empire of Imperial Russia! My chins quivered and ears turned bright Soviet red. It kept me up all night!
Then it occurred to me yet again, why must Weasel Stan get in my way? I am much bigger than him. If we were to arm wrestle, I would break his arm. If we were to foot race, I would beat him to finish line then mock his slow feet and leg. If I can do these things, then I will not allow him to get in my way of fixing Great Arsenal. So please allow me to explain plan to make Arsenal lift trophy.
1). Spend money: I will spend money, because when spend money, you become champion. Zee way to winning way is only shown by spending money. I have lots of it and I want to spend it. And I promise (*fingers crossed*) that money spend by me will not be counted against club. Consider it a gift from me. Just like wealthy helicopter dad buy big auto car for kids they never spend time with. Look what Liverpool did. They spend money. They show everyone how serious they are. They spend millions of quid on Andy Carroll, Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson. Because they spend on players, they win trophies. Asshole Stan does not spend money and guess how many trophy he has? Zero. Kenny Daglish has one trophy this year and now in zee FA Cup Final. He succeed because he spend. Rather than spend money on Great Arsenal, Stan spend money on new lights at zee Wal-Mart in small town. He cannot send man and monkey to center of Sun and also spend on Great Arsenal. He spend little and take profit from club. Let me help.
2) Kick out Asshole Stan: Stan is big pain in my butt area. He look stupid. In Russia, there is saying that says you are as big of asshole as bushy of mustache you have. I have no mustache. Stan have big mustache. That mean he is of significant agony of my butt area, and to many more of people who care for Great Arsenal. He never go to matches and only flies in once a month to collect profit and to go to Big Ben and get photo taken from Ferris Wheel. Asshole! I go to matches and he shut me out of Board. Why must he be so asshole to me? I think I just saw his mustache get bushier.
3) Buy Best Players: This is much like spending money, only it involves targets. You dream of Lionel Messi playing for Great Arsenal, yes? Dream no more. If he resist move, I hold him and his agent hostage until agree to play for Great Arsenal. I will stop at no cost to bring best players to zee Gazprom Stadium (Emirates Stadium will be renamed Gazprom Stadium after two billion pound sponsorship deal, which is market value and should not be looked into any more than that *wink wink fuck you Sheikh Mansour*).
You like to win, I like to win. I like to win only slightly more than spend money. If I can send man and monkey to Sun, then anything can be achieved. Asshole Stan must be stopped. Give me zee control and I turn Headache Arsenal into Great Arsenal. Great Arsenal will storm league and Europe like great Imperial Russian army to Berlin! You all seem like best audience, very smart and upset at way club is run and I know I can get you to trust Zee Fantastic. I will talk to all soon.
Your Excellent Alisher Zee Fantastic