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Team, gather around. Before I dismiss you, I have some last comments about our upcoming match.
Uh, man. I hope he doesn't get mad at us.
He's a bit unpredictable, the gaffer.
Hopefully he doesn't call me "Robin" yet again. The joke was funny a month ago, now it's a bit old and creepy.
(Everyone walks over)
It's been a rough time here, but things will get better. As you know me, I don't have much to say when it comes to getting you mentally-ready for a big match.
(Everyone nods)
I won't bother you with any rah-rah speeches, and I was left unsure what you thought when I brought the missus in and made sweet love to her in front of you, on this here ground, before City match earlier this season...
NO THAT'S OK NO THANKS
pleeezpleeezpleeeze
...and so it was yesterday, when sitting at my desk, thinking of ways to motivate you, when I stumbled across this article. Hmmm, I thought, this is it. So I went on a fact-finding mission...
Uh-oh.
...and I got just the thing I needed to show you all what I think of you guys, the belief I hold in you, and what I think of others who disagree. Let me show you something, ok?
Uh-oh.
(Goes back to car, brings forward an object)
Here is my gift to you.
Please, open it!
As captain, I might as well take the bullet for the team. Ahem, let's take a look.
(Opens gift)
It's...a rooster?
It's not just any rooster, Thomas. It's Sam.
...?
It's Sam. I put on a glasses-and-mustache disguise, knocked on Dan Levy's office door and pretended to be an FA inspector. He fell for it! I am tricky like that...
...?
...and so I told him I needed to review his files for compliance and that he could come back to his office in 15 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, he keeps the club's mascot in a cage, next to his desk! Gentlemen, meet Sam.
Oh my God.
So, anyway, let me get back to this article. There are some interesting comments in it. Let's take a look, shall we?
This...this isn't going to end well.
Nope, not a chance.
It states: "If Arsenal don't get a result against a very impressive Fulham side this weekend, we could be witnessing the final act of one of the Premier League's greatest managers...."
(Wenger pulls a .357 Magnum from his waistline)
..."Since the departure of Henry, Wenger's time at Arsenal has essentially been one enormous ideological experiment."
(sizes gun up to rooster)
BANG
BANG
BANG
..."Could a club sustain themselves at the top with their own resources, adding only the occasional senior signing, preferring to work with players from a young age to forge a distinct and successful style?"
BANG
BANG
BANG
(reloads gun)
He's reloading. Oh, that's fantastic...
"...The likes of Clichy, Flamini, Fabregas, Song, Nasri, van Persie will all be pushing for honours before long. And I was right. I just should have been more specific."
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
(reloads gun)
Levy's gonna be upset. Yup, he's gonna be mad.
"...This has been the greatest failure of the late Wenger era; the inability to accept that footballers will not stand and wait for epochal development."
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
(reloads gun)
(facepalm)
"...In Wenger's head, in my head, in the heads of most Arsenal fans, the concept of aesthetically pleasing autarky was a bold and worthy plan. In reality, it would be frightfully hard to achieve, and it would get harder with each passing year."
/looks at a very-dead rooster
...
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
"...I like Wenger and I am not alone in that. But no amount of residual affection will preserve his status if he can't turn this team around quickly."
(puts gun back in waistline)
/mouths open wide
That was DENCH, yo!
So, as I was saying, I was thinking of ways to motivate you, and I'm still weighing exactly what things I can do to get through to you. I must say, though, that this coming Saturday is very important and I don't want you thinking I believe it's not. For now, I'll dismiss you for today's session. Carry on with the rest of your day.
(all photos via)