Theo Walcott receives a letter from the FA

Clive Rose

The injured forward escaped punishment by the Association, but still heard from them regarding his behavior in last weekend's match

Arsenal legend Theo Walcott has escaped FA punishment for flashing the score of the match to Tottenham supporters in last weekend's FA Cup Third Round 2-0 victory, but not after getting a letter sent to him by the governing body to "remind him of his responsibilities." The Short Fuse, in its quest to be the leader in hard-hitting investigative journalism, has secretly obtained the explosive letter sent to Walcott.  Below is the letter in its entirety:

Dear Mr. Walcott,

It has come to our attention that, during the course of Arsenal’s FA Cup Third Round home encounter versus Tottenham Hotspur, you engaged the away fans as you were being stretchered off after tearing your ACL; the result of said action caused them to throw objects and coins onto the pitch in your direction.

Further, the gesture you made to the fans was interpreted not as a way to indicate the current match score, but the violent street gang of which we’ve found out you are a member. The gang, the notorious "2-0’s", have been feared throughout the city of London, the Kingdom, and throughout the world for its penchant of illegal drug smuggling, murder, kidnapping and all-around social non-conformity.

While you didn’t show an entire crowd your middle finger, much like the chain-smoking, no-condom-wearing, cocaine-using belligerent teammate of yours did last month in Manchester, you should have known that by flashing what you did to your rival gang members situated in extremely close proximity to you was going to make those under the influence of alcohol react they way they did. It’s not their fault they attempted to break land-speed records for consumption of cider and beer before heading to an area of town that’s highly contentious for them to visit in the first place.  No, it's your fault for lighting the fuse of that powder keg called Area Man Drunk at Sporting Event as well as also being a street thug; are your children’s books a front for laundering drug money for the 2-0’s?  We have evidence to believe this is true.

As a result of all of these discoveries, events and transgressions, the FA will be banning you for six months, at which point you will be eligible to resume your playing career. Also, please pass on this note to your above-mentioned teammate since we’re quite confident we’ll be talking to him again in the near-future.

Sincerely,
The FA

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