Hello my name ees Your Excellence Alisher Usmanov Zee Fantastic for zee new human people who do zee visit here and don't know of Zee Short Fuse Overlord. And when you make introduction to me in comment land section, please do zee refer to me as Guy Who Signed Mesut Ozil All On Zee Own.
Yes, I signed him on zee own and zee story ees pretty funny knowing how zee Ship of Relation with Asshole Stan ees. But eet ees true, we work together on zhis. Eet all started last week, when I walk into his Other Director Box at stadium of Emirates during zee Fenerbahce matchplay:
Asshole Stan: "HI MISTER DO YOU LIKE TO PEE YOUR PANTS?"
Me: "Hi Asshole. Your mustache look bushy more by zee day. Why you no spend zee money on players?"
AS: "I ONCE ATE AN ENTIRE BIRTHDAY CAKE IN ONE SITTING. THEN I GOT OUCHY TUMMY CRAMPS AND THREW IT BACK UP."
Me: "Yes. So I got zee Florentino Perez tied up in trunk of Maybach with pissed off badger zhat I put in bag and shake like dice at table craps. He probably mad because badger go bite growl hiss at him, but I tell him I only take badger out if you do big deal. He said ok, call a doctor, and what do you want please just get zee rodent away from me. So I come up here to tell you go fuck yourself, I did your job for you, and to also get you spend zee money at man of desperate."
AS: "THE DOCTOR TRIED TO TELL ME THAT CHICKEN POX DON'T COME FROM CHICKENS BUT I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM. I WENT TO THE FARM TO TALK TO THE CHICKENS ABOUT THEM SPREADING THEIR POX TO KIDS. THEN AN OLD GUY WITH A GIANT FORK CHASED ME AWAY AND TOLD ME TO STOP TALKING TO HIS CHICKENS. MAYBE HE'S THE ONE SPREADING THEIR POX AROUND. CALL ROBERT STACK."
Me: "Perez said he's tired of looking at Mesut Ozil because he doesn't know which eye to look into. I think he can be bought."
AS: "I ASKED DORA THE EXPLORER OUT FOR A DATE. STILL WAITING."
Me: "Keep phone close. I'll handle this. Oh, I need your AmEx."
So I flew to Germany in my new shuttle spaceship to take Ozil home to London.
Me: "Mesut. My name is Your Excellence in Everything, Alisher Usmanov. I bring with me fame. Money. Diamonds. Steel empires, cars, planes, trains, automobiles, guns, missiles, drugs, dwarfs, wizards, bitches, shanks, lesbians, G's up hoes down and zee motherfucking Westside Connection. How do you do zee do today?"
Mesut Ozil: "Just getting ready for these internationals. What's up?
Me: "Well I come on behalf of Arsenal Football Club, as zee only shareholder who doesn't appear to be eternally concussed. We want to sign you. And Florentino Perez said we can. Not because I tied him up and put a pissed off badger in his small space, of course. But he said we can sign you."
MO: "Oh, really? I mean, I don't really know and -- "
Me: "Seriously, your eyes! Eet's like you have Walleye Face. Perez not do zee lying! Uh, man, can you turn head to zee left a little so I can see both of zee eyes?"
MO: " -- I think that I still have a future at Real Madrid."
Me: "I see. Well, Mesut, let me do zee telling of story. I once had a future somewhere where eet turned out I wasn't wanted. Eet was at Bliss Atlanta All Male Strip Club. You see, back when I had abs of concrete, I once danced for many a lonely Chust wives of house as young man with hopes of city big lights. I would put on my favorite Joseph Stalin costume, complete with fake machine gun, fuzzy handcuffs and bedazzled penis sheath and dance to Delight of Afternoon for ladies who would throw zheir finest bread crumbs and sketchy undergarments at me. I was zee talk of zee town!
Zhen, I see ad in weekly paper one day while tending bar zhat said "LOOKING FOR THE HOTTEST EURO ASS FOR #1 MALE STRIP CLUB IN AMERICA." I dreamt many a long, wintery cold nights of making eet big in American land as zee best male dancer! I would grace zee most famous of stages in states zhat are united and such and hump zee backsides of zee hottest wives of houses under my stage name "Vlad zee Dangledick Impaler." You see, eet ended up taking mule ride, a train ride, a few hitchhikes zhat I exchanged dance humps for gas money, a boat ride, zhen a ride in zee boxcar with three singing brothers on zee run from zee man to make eet to Atlanta, home of long-standing tensions of racial and beautiful women. Much like Chust. I already felt like I was home.
I show up with ad in hand and I give eet to Earl zee Manager. I tell him I'm zee guy he look for in ad and I start to unpack my costume. He say ok go on show me what you got commie bastard and he put on Home Sweet Alabama and I twirl around stage. I made eet! Eet felt so real! My dreams were coming true and longer no would I have to dance in Chust never again. I finish with smile of big on face! But Earl had no smile of big on face. He looked mad. He tell me to get zee fuck off his stage and never come back! I was heartbroken. No one wanted me after zhat. I didn't know why. But I found my way, eventually. People started to accept Zee Fantastic for not being a piece of man meat and more for my finer qualities. Like bribery, extortion, murder. And charity; don't forget that one. So here I sit today, in front of you, Walleye Man, asking for you to consider us. Because if not Real Madrid, why not Arsenal?"
MO: "Uh, what was that?"
Me: "Sign for Arsenal, please? I'll even toss in two dwarfs if you do eet in zee next minute?"
MO: "Sure. Deal. But really, I was going to do it no matter what; Per's a good friend and he convinced me on the club. Thanks for the story, though. For real."
Me: "Eet's all true."
And so zhere you have eet, you silly dumbasses. Zhat is how I signed Mesut Ozil. You can start to thank me now. Bye.