The Hilariousness of the Suarez Transfer

Chris McGrath

The funny part about the Suarez transfer is the agony that it's causing the fans.

"There will come a time of fire and night, when enemies rise and empires fall, when the stars themselves begin to die."

The tower of Babylon is crumbling all around us and we're absolutely powerless to stop it. You can feel it, can't you? There's no power to fight it because we've spent all of our energy on its construction - believing in the foundation, we built it while smirking at our enemies. We can't run away from the crumbling behemoth as we strapped ourselves to the roots of it for the want of safety and reassurance. What an ironic, hilarious outcome then, that it was the chief architect who would be at the heart of the carnage.

The moral victory has been Arsenal's replacement for actual victories for almost a decade now: we love it, we cherish it, we use it against the Liverpools, the Chelseas, the Man Citys, we even sometimes find a way to work it into arguments with Manchester United fans. It's, for the fans, all we have left in terms of "banter" and insults --which is weird, since it usually insinuates that the other team achieved success the wrong way, as if success isn't success regardless.

But now it's all gone isn't it? Arsene Wenger seems hell-bent on acquiring Luis Suarez --the racist, handballing, biting, diving, petulant, amazing striker, not Luisito. God! Why couldn't it be Luisito?-- and worse, he's willing to bid an incredible amount of money for it. This is the football version of Nero burning down Rome. Where do the people turn now when it is their leader who is the master of mischief in the destruction of their livelihood? How can we invoke tired notions of Arsenal making superstars rather than buying them when we savagely chase after an established EPL striker?

Who will blow the horns of "Arsenal doesn't spend big" for the WengerOut Brigade when the crazed emperor is throwing the whole bank at John Henry's doorstep? Where is the last refuge for the meek who have clung on to the belief that Arsenal only buys the right type of players, the players like Arteta whose mind is as infallible as his hair? Our players do not dive, they're not racists, they don't deny the country of Ghana --this is funnier now after the whole racist row-- a chance at glory by hand-balling a sure goal away. But they might soon. And we will all have to live with it.

It will also prove or crush a theory --not exclusive to me at all, it's been heavily discussed before-- on the cult identity of fan-bases. Basically, in this case, that the bad things done in football are only bad when the opponents do it. Luis Suarez's racism and the idiotic defense that followed it could only be laughed at because it was crazy, old Liverpool doing it. Now if (when?) he does join Arsenal, how many fans will be at their Hephaestus style workshops, crafting up excuses, rationalizations and straw-man arguments to excuse his behavior? Especially when he starts scoring regularly and becomes a focal point for the team? You know you will.

On the surface, Suarez would be the perfect signing for Arsenal. He's the mobile forward that's been sorely needed, the player who can create his whole opportunities, the one that can provide the spark in the final third. He may actually commit another crime in killing the dull sideways pass that Arsenal players seem to love so much these days. Higuain is frankly not what the team needs, and I love that chubby bastard but he's not going to beat too many defenders one-on-one. We already have Podolski if we just want a finisher. We need a player like Suarez, which makes all of this even more hilarious --or sickening, depending on which side you're on.

He's everything the team needs, but everything that the fans don't want. The proverbial Trojan horse behind the gates that houses all of the outdated beliefs of the fans, if nothing else, he will make people see the world and football more clear. Most times, it doesn't matter how much of a horrible person you are, if you do your job well, people are willing to look the other way, and some idiots will actually come to defend you. Or not, these are just things I believe and have observed before, how it plays out at the Emirates should be interesting.

All great empires --whether countries, city states or ideas-- eventually fall, and most times, it happens from within.

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