Alexandre Pato, I Am So Sorry

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As news breaks out that Arsenal might be looking to buy the former AC Milan striker, I would like to personally apologize to him ahead of time

I have loved Alexandre Pato for a very long time. As a AC Milan fan, I was beyond ecstatic the first time I saw the curly haired, wide grinning angel break sound barrier records with an angelic gait against bemused defenders. He was fast, he was handsome, he had a child-like joy about him and now to think of it, he looks like Ricky Rubio --who is unsurprisingly also an angel. I wanted nothing but the best for him, he was meant to be the brightest star in the long line of the Brazilian constellation at AC Milan, but unfortunately, the fates saw the different.

The fates in this case were the injury gods, they who take delight from the anguish of players and the frustration of managers. There have been nothing short of a million theories on why Pato suffered so many injuries at AC Milan, some have hypothesized that his muscles developed too fast for his body, some said that he never truly healed from his initial injuries, others blamed the AC Milan medical staff. Me, I've always blamed the alignment of the planets.

When Milan decided to cut their losses and sell Pato to Corinthians in Pato's homeland of Brazil for half of the fee that he was purchased, I shed tears reserved for the mourning of deities and watched his goodbye video, one that was set to a One direction song, enough times to warrant stalking accusations.

Now, with the news that Arsenal, realizing that Olivier Giroud --with a face carved and polished by Michelangelo-- can not possibly play as the only viable striker for the whole season, have turned to Pato's direction, I was extremely delighted. At the same time, I feel as if I have to apologize,. Alexandre Pato, I am so sorry. If you thought your injury problems in Italy were bad, then you are in for a real surprise. Long gone will be your newfound days of a full week of practice problem free, of a run of games in good form.

Here, you will become familiar again with the medical team, rehabilitation schedules will greet you every morning and careful stretching of tight hamstring muscles will tuck you in at night. You will be able to learn from one of the best managers ever in football, you will have access to a world class stadium, training grounds, chef, and you will look absolutely gorgeous in the unmistakable red and white of The Arsenal. But alas, you will probably only wear those colors three months out of the year and the rest you will spend being "three weeks away" or suffering from a minor ankle issue.

Pato, I am so very sorry that you might suffer a mysterious injury in the vein of Thomas Vermaelan, or Laurent Koscienly. Maybe you'll get lucky and suffer numerous mind-boggling ones like Theo Walcott, or the same niggles of Santi Cazorla, and the gods forbid that you fall into the Abou Diaby abyss. Pato, with your injury history, you will fit the Arsenal in more ways that one. Your speed, power and instincts will be sorely welcome in a team with an incredible amount of creators, and your weak thighs and hamstrings will make you a star on the injury table.

For ten million pounds, it will be a steal to have someone of your quality on this Arsenal team, a team comfortable at first, a team that just needs another proper striker in order to push for the title this season. This is a match made in heaven, but unfortunately, soon you might be matching ice bags with Lukas Podolski or Chamberlin. Pato, I am truly sorry and delighted that you might be coming to Arsenal.

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