FanPost

The home locker room scene following Chelsea-Barca


(Chelsea players running down tunnel, past many authorized personnel smiling and high-fiving, and into the locker room)

Ashley Cole: WE DID IT!

(fires gun repeatedly in the air)

Frank Lampard: That was so awesome! Do I smell sausage and pies?

(showers and changes in two minutes, annihilates the buffet line)

Didier Drogba: NEIGH! SNORT! NEIGH! NEIGH!

John Terry: [insert racist comment]!

Petr Cech: I can't believe they didn't score! I was under siege all match long! Great defensive performance, lads!

Fernando Torres: HURRRRRRR GLUE STICK!!!

Romelu Lukaku: Fuck this shit, I'm calling my agent now.

Daniel Sturridge: Me too.

(calls agents, concocts made-up stories about interest from other clubs)

Roberto Di Matteo: Way to execute our strategy, lads. That was exactly how we trained for them and we went out and performed at our best.

Cole: (smoking three cigarettes at the same time) Much better tactics than He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Terry, Lampard, Cech, Drogba: RABBLE RABBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE!

Di Matteo: Yes, indeed. High line, my ass! He thought you were all washed up, and now look! You just knocked off Barcelona! We played Mourinho-ball and it paid off. Let them play the beautiful game and see what happens!

Terry, Lampard, Cech, Drogba: RABBLE RABBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE!

(quickly devises secret plan to get Di Matteo removed so they can be player-coaches)

Di Matteo: The season's not over yet, and we still have Arsenal away on Saturday. I really need you guys to listen to me: Arsenal will be out for blood. They are licking their wounds from Monday night and this match will not come easy...

Torres: CHEWING SCABS EATING SCABS LICKING BLOOD TASTY TREAT HURRRRRRR!!!

Di Matteo: ...so I need you to retain the same focus and energy you brought tonight for Saturday. This upcoming match...it's not a season-defining game, it's a career-defining game. I know your goals. I know the league title is out of the picture, but I know you want to accomplish more. I know you want to finish in the top four and, believe me, I TRUST and SEE that desire on your faces each and every day. Your desire to win should translate into your actions both on and off the pitch. Get some rest, show up to training tomorrow focused on Arsenal and always execute your actions correctly the first time. People will take notice and your dominance over your world will grow exponentially Listen closely to the words I speak. Lads...this match, this match was only the beginning of the end and only you can dictate how this story, this season, finishes. This season started with expectations of success and longevity and we hit a collective speed bump along the way. Andre is gone now. He is but a memory and we're now in position to write the future. Shower up, go home and treat your ladies good.

Terry: [insert racist comment, calls Christine Bleakely and Elen Rivas, sets up illicit encounter for later that night].

Di Matteo: Good job, good night and see you tomorrow. And keep that blue flag flying high!

Everybody: "YEEARRGHH!!!"

(later that night, deep in the bowels of an East End pub)

Shadowy Figure In Dark, Smoke-Filled Room: (rewinds tape recorder back, plays again for the 10th time)

"... Lads...this match, this match was only the beginning of the end and only you can dictate how this story, this season, finishes. This season started with expectations of success and longevity and we hit a collective speed bump along the way. Andre is gone now. He is but a memory and we're now in position to write the future. "

(hits pause on tape recorder)

Shadowy Figure In Dark, Smoke-Filled Room: First, they inadvertently grant me access. Second, they inadvertently allow me in the tunnel after the match. Last, they inadvertently allow me in the locker room. My plan went off without nary a hitch or question. I stand on the peripheral where I once stood within the circle. But my influence will be just as great.

(takes deliberate sip of his scotch and water, lets out a long sigh)

Shadowy Figure In Dark, Smoke-Filled Room: Who is Andre Villas-Boas? He is supposed to be Portugese. Some say his grandmother was English. Nobody believed his high line would work. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked for him that said a nice thing about him, but to hear Jorge Nuno Pinto de Costa tell it, anybody could have worked for Villas-Boas. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And that a high line could work. And like that, poof. He's gone...

To be continued...

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