Emmanuel Frimpong's Guide to Relationships

Michael Regan

Arsenal midfielder and all-around man of world knowledge Emmanuel Frimpong answers letters from his fans seeking his advice on how to navigate the tricky waters of relationships

So I got diz column from me mate who was owed diz favor from a bird he got wif over da weeekend who do her time as some righter lady at da Mail. He said "Yoooo Frimmy, it was somefing else! You told me jus how da work the night wif her, since she was straight DEEEENCH and BAM! It was like outta Hugh Grant film, except I made sure she wasn't no pro, right bruv?"

So he musta really got in gud wif her, becuz he then repays da lays with dis sliver you see in dis paper. Now, since I do fings right n proper, I need to get me a good column name. One nite, when I was putting on some Al Green and making dis fine beauty's dreams come tru, I had da telly on and dis Yank was walking back streetz in, like, Dublin, and he had dis silly pack on his waste that prolly had a camera in it. I fink his name was Ron Steves. Anyway, da name of his show was somefing about back doors. And that really made me laugh and giggle. Therefour, da name of dis column that you will see here and dere is:

"Emmanuel Frimpong's Guide To Back Doors LEAVE IT YEAAAAAAAAH!"

Anyway, expect nuffin but da bestest advice on how to leave his/her place with a smile YEAAAAAH! Right'cha, what you blokes 'ave for me?

***************

Frimmy:

What's the best way to tell a girl how much you like her? There's this really attractive lady I see on the tube each day, and I'mma bit gun-shy on asking her out.

All the best,

Jaxson

Yo you da man, Jax! I bet dis bird is as fit as a butcher's dog! She prolly come in all wearing heels and her hair in a twist each mourning, right? RIGHT??? Haha, get sum!

So back to ya girl issue, dis is what Frimmy would do. I would make sure I 'ave da best stuntin' shades on, my jeans pressed and da best kicks and hat on. I'd wear some Beats by Dre head phones, even if I didn't have any music on (which wood be LEAVE IT YEAH on replay, that's right). I'd walk over wif some kind of gangsta lean, and I'd sit down in a heap rite next to her on da train and just turn my head at her wif some goofy ass grin on my face, like I busted wind but didn't care if I got caught. Of course, she'd be all impressed and she'd start twirling her hair and biting her lips and looking at me, too. I'd reach into my coat, which prolly has 35 different and random zippers on it becuz I am ahead of da fashion game, and get out a piece of paper and write me number down on it. Before handing it to da fine lass, I'd make sure to give da paper a nice, long kiss and maybe lick some tongue on it juss so she knows how Frimmy get down.

Anyway, since I am da man, she'd call me write up dat nite and say "OOOH FRIMMY I NEED TO C U!" Yeaaaaaaah! So I'd tell her to bring sum takeout Chinese wif her since I prolly ain't ate in a minute thx to rappin' wif Bizzle all day in da studio, and plus nuttin taste better with romance than Kung Pao shrimp. She'd show up and I'd answer da door in nuttin but a gold chain round my neck wif my custom-made HD strobe lights and Daft Punk going off like a newklear bomb in da background. But remember, I work game like a ref so I'd make sure she know I ain't pushing it juss yet. I'd ask her if she ever 'ad Chinese food in da nude. I recommend it to all my fans out dere. It's really quite sumthin.

Anyway, we'd eat in da nude wif da lights and Punk going off all crazy. Then I'd ask her what her fantasy is. She'd prolly say something like "OOOOH FRIMMY YOU IZ ME FANTASY YOU BUCK NASTY BOY!" and then we'd prolly have a go at it all nite.

LEAVE IT YEAAAAAAAAAH!

***************

Emmanuel,

There's this guy that is friends of a friend. He is super cute and he just broke up with a long-term girlfriend and he seems a bit sad about things. I'm thinking I could cheer him up, but I don't know if I'm rushing into a "rebound relationship."

What's your take on this?

Signed,

Zara

Disclaimer: she sent dis threw Facebook, so I saw dis bird's photosnap. And my advice to her iz to find a really nice friend of yours who can make dis guy happy and call me up. Listen, dis guy iz prolly a total bummer and cries during makeout time. I bet you ain't been with a true playa like me. I can take you on journey's you only dreamed about. You ever see a bruv make a tuxedo t-shirt look DEEENCH? You ever kiss da man of your dreams while dangling over da Cliffs of Dover? You 'aven't, becuz you ain't met me.

Call me, luvlee. And bring sum Chinese.

***************

Emmanuel,

Help me clear something up. I did not call Anton those words. I was just telling him what I had the night before. Thanks.

I'm Innocent,

John T.

Movin' on.

***************

Frimpong,

My boyfriend broke up with me. He said he wanted to move on, but he kinda left out there that he might be interested in rekindling things if he's in the right place in his life down the road. What's your take?

Signed,

Broken Hearted

I would tell u dat he's moved on and you need 2 go find sum'fing else, but I get a sense you ain't plannin' on doin' dat. So here it goes:

I'd go to Fred's of Hollywood and buy da tightest and skimpiest outfit dey have. Make sure you put on your reddest of lipstick and highest of heels. Get your hair dun, den make sure you have a really, really loud boombox. Go to his flat window late at night and play "Is Dis Love" by Whitesnake (don't ask, it's good, truss me on dis) at like maxx volume. Stand out on da street playing dis music, holding da boombox high above your noggin. He'd come running to da window all like "What's dis bird's prolly!" and then he'd see you out there all hot and sexy. Of course he'd 'ave you come up since he's a dude and dat's all he wants.

What he doesn't know is dat you have 1) sexy handcuffs and 2) me in tow. You go into his room and he's all primed for sum exercise. You give him a sweet little kiss and tell him dat you got a surprise waiting fo' him. He's dying to find out, and you slip da cuffs on him and his bed post. He got some dumb smile on his cheeks. Dat is, until he see me come into da room. Dat's when we crank dat Whitesnake up even more and we'd tangle like rabbits at da foot of his bed! LEAVE IT YEAAAAAAH, that's DEEENCH!

Of course we'd keep him cuffed all night until his mum come over to his flat.

***************

OK, folks, dat's it. Until next time, keep it DEEENCH, and make sure to LEAVE IT YEAAAAAAAAAAH!

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