Arsene Wenger's Talk to the Squad Today

Clive Rose

In an effort to motivate his team for this weekend's North London derby, Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger employs his latest motivational tactic

50a12a43ee0ad_medium Team, gather around. Before I dismiss you, I have some last comments about our upcoming match.

50a12c32645ef_medium Uh, man. I hope he doesn't get mad at us.

50a12c674cd08_medium He's a bit unpredictable, the gaffer.

50a12c49e78a7_medium Hopefully he doesn't call me "Robin" yet again. The joke was funny a month ago, now it's a bit old and creepy.

(Everyone walks over)

50a12a43ee0ad_medium It's been a rough time here, but things will get better. As you know me, I don't have much to say when it comes to getting you mentally-ready for a big match.

(Everyone nods)

50a12a43ee0ad_medium I won't bother you with any rah-rah speeches, and I was left unsure what you thought when I brought the missus in and made sweet love to her in front of you, on this here ground, before City match earlier this season...

50a129eb1b1fd_medium 50a12beb5bcf6_medium 50a12c01af1b8_medium 50a12c32645ef_medium 50a12c49e78a7_medium 50a12c604667f_medium 50a12c674cd08_medium 50a12c7ecd622_medium NO THAT'S OK NO THANKS

50a12cc7ce090_mediumpleeezpleeezpleeeze

50a12a43ee0ad_medium ...and so it was yesterday, when sitting at my desk, thinking of ways to motivate you, when I stumbled across this article. Hmmm, I thought, this is it. So I went on a fact-finding mission...

50a12c7ecd622_medium Uh-oh.

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium ...and I got just the thing I needed to show you all what I think of you guys, the belief I hold in you, and what I think of others who disagree. Let me show you something, ok?

50a12c674cd08_medium Uh-oh.

(Goes back to car, brings forward an object)

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium Here is my gift to you.

50a133913492e_medium

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium Please, open it!

50a12c604667f_medium As captain, I might as well take the bullet for the team. Ahem, let's take a look.

(Opens gift)

50a1341700923_medium

50a12c604667f_medium It's...a rooster?

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium It's not just any rooster, Thomas. It's Sam.

50a12beb5bcf6_medium ...?

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium It's Sam. I put on a glasses-and-mustache disguise, knocked on Dan Levy's office door and pretended to be an FA inspector. He fell for it! I am tricky like that...

50a12beb5bcf6_medium ...?

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium ...and so I told him I needed to review his files for compliance and that he could come back to his office in 15 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, he keeps the club's mascot in a cage, next to his desk! Gentlemen, meet Sam.

50a1341700923_medium

50a129eb1b1fd_medium Oh my God.

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium So, anyway, let me get back to this article. There are some interesting comments in it. Let's take a look, shall we?

50a12c674cd08_medium This...this isn't going to end well.

50a12c7ecd622_medium Nope, not a chance.

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium It states: "If Arsenal don't get a result against a very impressive Fulham side this weekend, we could be witnessing the final act of one of the Premier League's greatest managers...."

(Wenger pulls a .357 Magnum from his waistline)

50a1364ecab9a_medium

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium ..."Since the departure of Henry, Wenger's time at Arsenal has essentially been one enormous ideological experiment."

(sizes gun up to rooster)

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a13731abdc2_medium

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium ..."Could a club sustain themselves at the top with their own resources, adding only the occasional senior signing, preferring to work with players from a young age to forge a distinct and successful style?"

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

(reloads gun)

50a12c01af1b8_medium He's reloading. Oh, that's fantastic...

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium "...The likes of Clichy, Flamini, Fabregas, Song, Nasri, van Persie will all be pushing for honours before long. And I was right. I just should have been more specific."

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a13731abdc2_medium

(reloads gun)

50a12c7ecd622_medium Levy's gonna be upset. Yup, he's gonna be mad.

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium "...This has been the greatest failure of the late Wenger era; the inability to accept that footballers will not stand and wait for epochal development."

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a13731abdc2_medium

(reloads gun)

50a12c49e78a7_medium (facepalm)

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium "...In Wenger's head, in my head, in the heads of most Arsenal fans, the concept of aesthetically pleasing autarky was a bold and worthy plan. In reality, it would be frightfully hard to achieve, and it would get harder with each passing year."

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium /looks at a very-dead rooster

50a13731abdc2_medium

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium ...

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a1364ecab9a_medium BANG

50a13731abdc2_medium

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium "...I like Wenger and I am not alone in that. But no amount of residual affection will preserve his status if he can't turn this team around quickly."

(puts gun back in waistline)

50a129eb1b1fd_medium 50a12beb5bcf6_medium 50a12c01af1b8_medium 50a12c32645ef_medium 50a12c49e78a7_medium 50a12c604667f_medium 50a12c674cd08_medium 50a12c7ecd622_medium /mouths open wide

50a12cc7ce090_medium That was DENCH, yo!

50a12a43ee0ad_medium_medium So, as I was saying, I was thinking of ways to motivate you, and I'm still weighing exactly what things I can do to get through to you. I must say, though, that this coming Saturday is very important and I don't want you thinking I believe it's not. For now, I'll dismiss you for today's session. Carry on with the rest of your day.

(all photos via)

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